Long Pause

I’ve considered Open Diary a lot these last few weeks. My fingers have hoovered over the keys as I internally debated whether or not I should come on in. It is a lot like knocking on a closed door when your mind is ridden with anxiety.

“But do they want me here? What do I say?! Do I look okay? I shouldn’t be here. I DON’T BELONG!”

I have so much inside of me. SO MUCH.

I have overcome more battles than I should have ever had to fight. I like to consider myself a conqueror and refuse to allow myself the title of victim, yet I spend so much time looking at the reflection in the mirror. It’s an ugly reflection. Sadness, defeat, disappointment…every singular bad moment overshadows numerous moments that should induce pride and happiness. I’ve come to realize that I will just never be enough. I’ll never be who I wanted to be. Needed to be.

I want happiness. I want success. I want community. I want to shine my light so bright that others bask in the glory of my sunshine…and yet here I sit. A dull star on a rainy night. Overshadowed by judgement and defeat.

I spend far too many hours wondering how I can disappear. Start over.

I want to scream. Throw things. Break things. I need the sound of shattering glass- deafening yet satisfying. I want to make people understand!! I want them to open their eyes; understand the truth.

Society isn’t quite ready for my truth, y’all. Not by a long shot.

I’m tired. Exhausted. Weary.

But? I paid my OD membership. I reckon it’s time to work this shit out.