Chaos and Confusion

Normally when I make a decision, it is something that I can stick with. There is little, if any doubt, in the path I choose to make. I am a deliberate thinker and often times choose to really consider my options before putting in my firm answer. For the first time, I am really considering and doubting one of the choices I have made in life. Motherhood.

Even growing up I didn’t want kids. My sister always said she wanted to be a Mommy but not me; I was going to be a doctor, the President of the United States…anything but a Mom. In efforts to make my Mom not feel bad because SHE chose to be a Mom I would sometimes shrug and add that maybe I’d adopt one day. As I grew older, my thoughts didn’t change at all. I never really bonded well with babies…there just wasn’t that Motherly instinct. That and I felt that I was truly too selfish to have children. When M and I initially began dating, the matter of children was still on the plate. In all reality, that matter was on the plate for over a year and at one point M had actually made the statement that he would love to "have a baby with me." But then, overnight, that all changed. With the drama of Ryan, as my long time readers may remember, arose everything changed. M became firm in his decision to never have children and, well, I went along for the ride as children was never something I considered. My childless life makes me content which many people never understood. I had the occasional doubt but, after then going out in public and dealing with kids, I’d remember exactly why I made the decision I did. My Mother often shakes her head when we discuss her never getting Grandchildren from me but, in the end, she always confesses that she knew I never wanted kids.

This weekend, everything changed.

My three beautiful nieces came down to visit us all here in Oklahoma. The initial plan was for them to stay with M and I for 2-3 weeks but, with all of the other legal shinanigans going on, my FIL suggested that the kids only stay for the long weekend. In the end, they did only stay that long weekend and they didn’t get to stay with us. I did, however, spend much time with them including all day Saturday. We had such a blast!! There was a few whiney spells due to the heat, but overall it was a really, really wonderful day. Unfortunately when I returned them to my in-laws, things went downhill from there. Their Aunt and my MIL, their Grandma, was riding those girls so hard. It wasn’t cherry, let me tell you. I am not going to go into details as it is a moot point but I will tell you that, despite those two women yelling at those girls I went in, sat down and had a long discussion with the three of them which resulted in temporary peace and happiness. Overall, my MIL and Aunt pegged the girls as brats but that isn’t the case. New clothes had to be bought as the parents, and we won’t even START on the parents, didn’t help them pack. They had one toothbrush for three girls, underwear that were so small that they left rad hashes on the girls, they didn’t have deodorant or toiletries, they had clothes not made for the 100+ degree weather…it was sad. My MIL was upset over this and from then on out everything they did was wrong. I may not have kids…but the kids were not bad. Did they pick up after themselves at all times? No. Did they eat a lot? YES bu they are KIDS and are GROWING! To me it is like this, we aren’t with them in Missouri. We all know their parents are idiots. For the kind of life these girls have, they are still wonderful girls…they have such pleasant personalities and are truly sunshine on a cloudy day. They were polite, well behaved, for the most part, and appreciative. Did they sometimes hint that they liked something? Sure did…BUT KIDS DO THAT! I don’t know. Something about these girls just really, really captured my heart. I wanted to keep them even longer but the whole family battle thing was ridiculous.

And I am rambling and totally missing the point here.

Something about these kids and the day I spent with them really just turned a key in my heart. Even M, on the way home Saturday night, was talking about how he would love to have full custody of the girls. Right now, these kids are salvageable but if they continue living with their parents…they are going to be the whole 16 and pregnant. At 11, 12 and 13 these girls are already boy crazy and doing the whole "looking for love" in boys bit. It breaks my heart. But hearing M say that wanted me to fight for those girls just as well, but it also hurt me as well. Before I could even control my mouth I took the liberty of informing him that it hurt that he always wanted to help other peoples kids, and take in other peoples kids but didn’t want to have a kid with me. The look on his face was that of a deer in the headlight, let me tell you. I couldn’t even believe I said that one.

On Sunday we bid our farewell to the kids- both of us wanting them to stay a bit longer and both of our hearts breaking a little bit. It has been a popular discussion since them- bringing them back down here, asking their parents for custody, etc. There is a lot of stuff I am leaving out in terms of how the MIL and my FIL’s sister acted towards those girls and I cannot imagine those girls wanting to come back to OK if they thought they would have to visit my MIL. After reading their texts and facebook messages about their trip home with their Aunt…my gosh those poor girls.

But what surprises me most of all this? My husband telling me that he had never considered me as a Mother until seeing me with those girls. Or, my FIL taking 30 minutes to praise me up to my husband, in front of all the guys that were here on the 4th, about the person I am and telling my husband that I would be an outstanding Mother. I never thought I had the patience or the skills to be a Mom and Saturday night, as I lay in bed, I thought to myself how much I have changed. How I had so much more patience and tolerance and how I could put my foot down and be firm as needed. I thought perhaps it was a fluke but to hear all of the feedback. My FIL told my husband that he knew I was on his side Saturday night and to see me be diplomatic towards the MIL and Aunt but still make the girls happy and rectify the situation made his heart swell and he couldn’t be mad any longer. Maybe this confusion will fade in a few days. Maybe it is the hype of hearing everyone say how great I was with the girls in conjunction to the love I have for those girls, but right now I am so very confused. I’m wondering if I am missing out on a vital part of life. I have so many other things to go through and battle right now and it wouldn’t be smart to bring a child into my world right now. But/ I cannot help but wonder. What ifs. I shouldn’t waste my time with them but this go around I cannot help but wonder.