What am I doing?

They say that times heals all. It takes time. How much time fixes how much damage? How do we even begin to measure trauma and pain? How much is enough time and when does life pause so you that can catch your breath from the heavy load you carry all while trying to keep your head above water, all while trying to stay sane.

Life lately has felt like a work environment, where no matter how hard I try, how nice I am, how giving I am, the shit I have endure and still when things feel halfway decent, it all begins to crumble. I make one mistake, or set a healthy boundary, maybe even show interest and suddenly I am damned. Work related, I would be fired or pushed out by cutting my hrs and making me feel uncomfortable, etc. In real life I just get thrown curve balls, one after the other making my goals harder to make possible.  It’s like, what am I sacrificing today? My health, financial stability, how about my sanity because I don’t have the friends, and I don’t have a love life so what more of me can i give up on to survive?

I have pushed and I have pulled people in only to push them away again and again. I tell them I am lonely and solely want to be friends but then they lose interest because I did not offer my heart or sexual favors. For those who stayed long enough to converse with me and tried, I either lost interest or chose those that lied. I have been ghosted, blocked and called a cunt for stupid reasons and suddenly I am back to wondering what the fuck am I doing seeking someone’s attention, affection, approval when these are the candidates. The easily offended and insecure of a woman who doesn’t want to engage in meaningless sex with a stranger.

I am tired of being envious.

I’m exhausted of trying, of fighting, surviving and being strong, I’d like to sit by now please, or reset button?