To Honor.

When it comes to putting negative past experiences behind me, and letting go of irrational fears and worries- I find that I struggle.

It requires a lot of focus and will power and I am not always sucessful.

I fear things happening even when my relationship is healthy and going really well.

Anxious that it will fall apart or a mistake will be made- even knowing I can’t control it even if it does happen.

I want promises and guarantees, things no one can rightfully give to me because they don’t truly exist in this world.

So I’m learning. Constantly. Forcing myself to face what I’ve been through and not let it affect me or my currently relationship.

Letting theknot in my stomach loose and allowing whatever may happen race towards me head on with no safety guard against it is the scariest I’ll ever do.

My question being- why am I so afraid for the past to repeat itself? Sure, it hurt but I still survived. Im still here.

I wish I could be more like “whatever happens, happens” and “the past doesn’t matter, who cares” and god knows that I try.

I think the loss of Zak and what we share would break me. The reality of that scares the hell out of me. I have never felt this strongly and this deeply for anyone before.

However I owe it to him and our relationship to let go and free fall.

To trust.

To support.

To honor.

To love.

And that’s exactly what I intend to do.