vent i wrote 2nite

thinking about how i feel is hard. i don’t really know what to write about anymore. so many things are wrong, that i’ve just gotten to the point of not even wanting to process it.. so i guess i haven’t been processing anything. i’m high every night. i don’t know why it feels so invalid to say that, when it’s true. i feel so lost. i see photos of people living the life i so desperately want, even the simplest things people achieve. but i cannot. and i really don’t get it. i think of very basic simple things going the way i need to. and when they rarely do, it feels like a breath of fresh air. absolutely fucking refreshing. and then i think, wow do people actually live like this? is life actually supposed to be easier than it’s turned out for me? i feel trapped inside myself. i keep trying and trying to get out but i can never reach the barrier, that is myself. i am keeping myself stuck and sick. my brain is addicted to it, never letting me get better. and never even allowing me the opportunity to admit everything is on me for being this way. it’s simply for no particular reason. and that’s part of why i’m in a controlled but distraught state constantly inside my own mind. because i can almost see myself in others, so many similarities except they live easier in terms of what i consider normality. envy and jealousy chases after me faster than my fears and nightmares. i want to be happy and live the way i want to so badly. i don’t want to be this way anymore. but yet i’m still stuck. it’s not that i dont truly want to fucking achieve what i want. it’s just unexplainable to anyone who doesn’t know the entirety of my life and me. it’d be pointless for someone else to try to understand, but i wish someone would. it’s a really empty hallow feeling being so alone. having no one you can rely on and occasional conversations. i’m just sad. there’s a billion domino effects of issues in my life. things i need but don’t even want to ask for, just because i’m sick of it. i’ll be honest, i never really thought i was going to get help. disappointment after disappointment, the next time they will except me to care but i won’t. it’s all lie. nothing is consistent and neither am i. i can’t control the mood swings and chatter in my mind at all, so what can anyone else do? it’d be pretty pathetic for me to die such a lost cause. i’d rather be beautiful then a lost cause. but it’s not working out that way. it makes me sad to think of the memories that aren’t even mine, just from photos, of myself. because i know she was so excited to live, and she hasn’t gotten to at all. everything is always just for a moment, temporary. and it hurts to admit my pain to myself over and over, re reading things when i had the slightest bit of thought that maybe things would change. think about it. would you want to be alive if your mind was set on making your life’s purpose as fixing yourself. am i broken? do i need to be fixed? why? why am i not enough? i don’t understand. i never wanted to hate myself so much. i just want to feel uncontrollable laughter again. i want to know i’m not going to be left again. i want to be heard and seen in a way that doesn’t make me want to hide away. i don’t want to be this way. i still feel like i’m being torn apart. motivated one minute, feeling like i can’t do a single thing the next. what is wrong with me is what i always think. maybe i am absolutely broken. there’s always been a part of me that thinks that i truly am a mistake. because there is no fucking way anyone would deserve to turn out this way. to be fully conscious of it all is the worst. i can feel every part of my pain and emotions. every single thing every single possibility i wish would return to my mind and become an outcome yet it never fucking does. i let myself down too. but i’m also just so tired. i wish someone would come back, but i prove to be as invaluable as i thought i was. living feels like a punishment.