todays vent

i’m paranoid all the time. i don’t know if it’s my meds or not, or maybe i’ve just always been like this. i constantly feel afraid of something bad happening. the nightmares come and go but they’re extremely hard to talk about let alone remember. but the feeling never goes away. my anxiety just never stops. and i’m left to deal with it. i keep wondering if i’ll ever get help. but what is it that i want. they asked me that before, what i wanted to come out of things. i stopped going to therapy because maybe i just don’t want to talk about anything. it’s hard even typing this now. i feel like i want to give up, but there’s nothing to even give up on. i don’t do anything. i just fail over and over. the outcome is always the same. yk i cant stand looking at myself anymore, i cant stand myself at all. it feels like because there’s no one really in my life then why should even i tolerate myself. its the same old shit, same old feelings, same old words, and same old problems. i cant pull myself together. i keep thinking about how fucking unfair it all is, i mean that’s all that’s left isn’t there. unfairness. i don’t recognize myself. no one says my name anymore, it feels so dehumanizing. i remember last time when i started having a life for a moment and i would hear it, it just didn’t sound like anyone was talking to me. but i wish someone was. its always me being the one wishing and hoping someone would come back, even if i don’t actually need them to. because there’s always only silence from the other person, no explanation, no feelings. i guess that’s what happens when you’re mentally ill, you just care way too much. i don’t really know what i’m writing about. but i know i wish things would change. i’m scared to get worse because i know i cant kms. i don’t have it in me, something terrible would have to happen to give me a push. but then i’m afraid of something terrible happening, so it’s just a never ending loop. the perfect way to describe my life i guess, if i even have one.