Fading

Too much thinking.  I shouldn’t really ever be alone, because my mind races with horrifying thoughts.  Last night I dreamed that he cheated.  I woke up crying.  Why do I have to think these thoughts?

I’m afraid he’ll leave me one day, because I’m so pessimistic, tired, worried.  My self-esteem comes and goes like a tide, leaving me arrogant one day and…well, not the next.  I don’t feel like I can keep up with him.  Nothing bothers him.

Why can’t I just let it all go?

I live in filth of the physical and mental variety.  I could have cleaned, done laundry, took out the garbage.  Instead I sat and watched episodes of House from 11am to 11pm.  I could have gone shopping, bought some pet food, some people food.

Whenever I shift positions in my chair, my white betta swims right up to the glass and eyeballs me.  I’m always amazed that he can see that far away with his tiny, unblinking eyes.

I’m not depressed.  I’ve been depressed before.  This is different.

If he could see the pathetic way I poured around my apartment, he would say, "I can’t leave you alone for ONE DAY without you turning into a wreck!"

Yeah, he’d be right.

I’m so dependant on other people for my happiness, but I don’t want to be that way.  I crave interaction and attention while secretly hating humanity as a whole.  I am made of lemons.

So, who wants to hang out with me?  That’s entertaaaainment!