what is love?

What is love, really? this was my morning wake up thought. Not talking about Lust, which so many of the young think is love. But real love. what is that? Looking back on life, and I’m past 65, did I have it? I thought I did, a few times. there was, of course the ones I loved that never knew I existed. was that really love? or infatuation. ok infatuation. and of those that noticed me, lust and then dump. well I thought I loved them. It hurt when they left, was that love on my part anyway? or was it lust for me too? course when you are innocent you don’t know what lust is, so does that count? of course there is love of children, right? or is that responsibility?

what is love made up of? respect, responsibility, trust, caring for the other person, wanting them to succeed, and have the best of what there is, wanting them to have joy. Is joy part of love? I think it might be. so having Joy yourself. contentment.

so if that is what love is (and I’m sure I didn’t get all the parts of it) when have I really had it? ok. I did love my husband. for more years then I should have. I loved blindly, overlooking his faults, not accepting what was in front of me, ie that he cheated on me several times, oh the last time was the last time. and the pain of the loss of trust, respect, and knowing that the joy he had given me was not real. it was a lie just as he was. that was the pain. I’ve moved past that pain.

love of children? oh sure, the caring, teaching, guiding, and just joy of watching them grow up, their odd moments and things they do, delight. yes. that. compassion. that’s part of love too. yes I loved and do love my children. even the son who has not talked to me in 3 years. and I still don’t know why, other that the choice he gave me, either my daughter or him… what was that? who chooses one child over another? can’t, didn’t. apparently lost a son. and that hurts. when and how did he put choice in love? ah well

parents, of course we love our parents, right? wrong. I’ve known too many folks who were abused by parents. My parents gave my sister and I a good childhood. We went on trips, had food clothing, etc. I wanted to please my parents. to be acknowledged as worth their while. did I , was I? I think my mother loved me unconditionally. I think my dad "loves" me as I am his child. but he was always cool, distant. I can’t recall hearing a positive or a compliment from him. he must have once in a while. but what I recall , even today, is his criticism, and put downs. so I tried harder to please him. did I , do I love him? I respect him and feel responsible for him, I have a duty to him. after all he is 104 and he is really nice to strangers, just mean to me… so do I love him?

and why were all the men in my life such jerks? hmmm. most of them were Scorpio’s to my Gemini–if you want to see it in terms of astrology, ie water to my air. which drowns air out. or the air becomes a bubble and floats out of water. anyhow not a match. so why were the men in my life "not a match". my Venus was a water sign. that matched. my personality was air, not a match.

so if one considers we were born for a reason, and astrology might indicate what that is/was. then there was/ is a reason for the men in my life. what have they taught me? other then not to trust, not to give my heart, what’s left of it, away.

respect, responsibility, trust, compassion, joy –parts of love? of is love a place where there is the trust that you are loved back, and there is joy in that? freedom in that? a sense of peace?

questions… morning questions. I don’t have the answers.