morning thoughts

once the mind wakes up, all those odd morning thoughts come in. My eyes are not yet open, so the mind runs with thoughts, odd things. and usually negative. once I’m awake I can distract from the worries, the reality. Once at work I spent the day reaffirming life to others, but now in the am I lay there letting the odd morning thoughts run. and then I get up to write some here. but sometimes I get distracted and they are never put to paper/ or in this case computer screen….

what are they, those thoughts. well this am it started with Life is a crap shoot. and it is, just an odd series of events that we try to survive with some dignity, or maybe just survive. and it goes on and on and on, My dad is 101 and losing his vision, his body racked with pain he stopped being active years ago. well not. he still mowed the lawn up until 2 years ago. yesterday he talked to me on the phone (he lives 400 miles away) and told me he swept the snow off the drive , so the women who come to clean his house once a month would not have to fight though the snow. and now his pain is worse. so he still tries. he lived in a different era, not just a different generation. a time when men where gentlemen, and that meant something. he was and is gentle.

well had not meant to go there in my ramblings…

another odd thought that plagued me the other day, "no one really knows one another’ this was said on tv twice, in different shows. but also said in early AM thoughts. no one knows what thoughts run though another’s head, unless they share them here, or in some old fashioned diary. so many be this site is a good idea, we read others odd thoughts, getting to know the people they are deep inside, where no one else is allowed to go. not even ourselves most of the time. I’ve known for years that people tell strangers the deepest truths. when I was in my late 20’s and waiting at a stock sale (my husband biding on something) a total stranger engaged me in conversation. sharing the deepest hurt he has ever had. he was sick, when to hospital the bill for his care wiped out his savings and eventually took his farm, something he had worked hard at all his life. who the fuck cared, not the state, not the rest of the world, but he shared that hurt with me, a total stranger. I wasn’t even a therapist then! odd hurts from life pop out at me. I visited with my husband who was a government trapper back then, a remote ranch in the prairie (outside of Pueblo Colorado) an ol man and his wife lived there still. he was talkative, like my husband. and my husband would visit there on his rounds, he shared their story with me. the wife was "strange" because they had two sons once. one at age 3 was bitten by a rattlesnake in their front yard and died. the second lived to be a teen age and drowned in their family pond. so the woman was called "strange". struck down by life’s grief.

so many sad stories I have heard since I was led into the role of being a therapist. I let go of them, or try to but some stick and haunt me.

but again not dwelling on them right now….

What is life then, but a series of sadness, of surviving one after another tragic event? oh we tell ourselves life is in the surviving. like the KISS star said on his TV show last night, "one day more day above ground". was what his Jewish mother who lived though the concentration camp taught him. for why? well her life is cake now, he has made enough money to provide very well for his kids, his mother and his girlfriend. but money doesn’t buy you love and I am always impressed with him, as he reveals pieces of himself that are kind, and compassionate.

so may be life is just that helping each other though the most terrible of times, finding what joy we can to survive and to laugh, despite the shitty ness of the world. like one of my clients told me recently, "when I laugh, I feel better and it makes others feel better too".

so we go on. a little better for and with each others help.

see, I’ve talked myself out of the negative early morning thoughts. on with the day… again…