I can’t say goodbye, yet.

I used to be frustrated at the world. I never understood what everyone was working towards. Did they have it already? What exactly was ‘it’?
I’d sit with my headphones in, sat on a bench with my headphones on and people watch constantly. What were they thinking, where were they going, are they happy? What was this ‘it’ that people had that made everything complete in their world.
Was it money? Was it their next adventure? The perfect job? What was this ‘it’?! Would I ever figure that out? Would I ever feel what others feel.

And then I met, you. You were it.
It was Love. Was it really that simple. Could love really change your whole perspective on the world?

I fell in love with you the very first moment I met you. How was that possible?
If I knew how this would end, given the chance would I of changed it?

You’ve hurt me. This is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. I long to be back at that park bench, oblivious to what was about to happen. The tornado I was about to step into.
My heart can’t decide what to feel. It’s in this constant battle with itself. It want’s to hold onto the love for you, but then the hate creeps in. I feel angry.

I met my best friend, my best friend promised he’d never ever walk away. He would never leave.
But there he is. His photo is grey on my phone
One of the last messages you wrote to me plays over like a script in my head. Telling me you need space because I’ve populated your thoughts. You want to move on emotionally.
You cut me out. Removed me from your life. Removed me from everything we had.
You promised me you’d be back, you need to heal.

The one thing I yearn for most in this world right now, is seeing your name pop up on my phone. A phone call, a text. Letting me know you’re okay.
I’m not okay by the way. I’m lonely. I’m on my own. I have no one right now.

You’ve broken your promise already by walking away. So I don’t believe you when you say you’ll be back. I don’t.

You’ve said goodbye
I need to let you go, but I can’t find it in my heart yet to say goodbye.

I hope each journal entry gets easier to write.
No more walking home from work with sunglasses on to hide the tears that consume my eyes.