Where I’ve Been

 I don’t know why I can’t write.

I’m trying very hard to be normal. I’m getting closer. I have fewer bad days, but when they are bad, they are bad.

I lost my support system in my husband. I don’t know if that’s my fault or his. All that really matters to me is that my biggest fear came true one day when he blew up on me about the PPD and sad he couldn’t deal with it anymore. So, for nearly a month I close the door to my room and stay in bed with Ian all day when things are bad. 

For some reason I come here, and I try, but I feel overwhelmed with black feelings. 

Ian had his round of tests for kidney function. I am slacking on scheduling an appointment with the specialist to discuss surgery because I don’t want to go through it. His tests were horrible. It was the worst thing I have done as a mother. I was down for a week. The first test I had to hold him down while he screamed and the nurse struggled to get his catheter in because he is not circumcised. We were told to clean his penis but not to pull it back, that the membrane would separate on its own when it matured. Because of this the nurse couldn’t get the catheter in without ripping the membrane. Scott was outside the door listening the whole time, and when we left and I told him what happened, he nearly fainted in the parking lot and cried for a half an hour. The next day we both held him down while a nurse struggled to find an good vein in his chubby legs and arms for his IV. After struggling for 45 minutes, he was strapped to a board and placed under a machine. Thankfully he was exhausted and slept for most of the hour. I felt faint the entire time looking at him. I have promised to make myself call the specialist this week.

I think he has nightmares. They say babies don’t remember afterwards, but he hasn’t slept through the night once since it happened and he wakes up screaming, startled and scared. Even at nap times. But, he weighed 17.8 pounds and was 26 inches long at is 6 month checkup. He is doing awesome with solid foods and has cut his first tooth. Doctor said his motor skills are still advanced. He says momma, dadda and hi.

Salem got a near perfect report card She is advanced in every area of grading except for 2 subjects. I cried and sent pictures of it to everyone. She wasn’t supposed to get a treat because she got a yellow card that week, but I changed the rules because she really deserved something awesome. 

Scott has been gone since Thursday morning. He flew his mother to South Carolina to live. It’s an attempt to try something other than the home. We get to pick him up from the airport tonight and I am so excited to have him home. It’s only been 2 nights of him not sleeping with me, but they have been bad nights. I don’t do well without him. 

A million other things have happened, and hopefully now that I have opened the door, I’ll come back and tell our stories in pictures instead of trying to force words.