Voided

 I’m sick. 

I need to tackle at least 2 loads of laundry today. The first being towels, the second being Scott’s work clothes. All else can wait until tomorrow. Or maybe the next day.

It’s October 15th. And it supposed to be 97 degrees out today. And Wednesday is supposed to be 101. All I want is to be cozy in my house so badly. I could actually literally cry over it. 

My birthday is 10 days away. I could care a less. I have to take Ian to get an ultrasound done that day. And it’s a Thursday. Don’t think there is much else involved in that. Oh wait, there is. My tattoo gets finished on Saturday, and there has been no clarification if that is my birthday present or not. 

So here’s the thing. I’m sick as I stated, and I don’t want to be. I absolutely hate that amongst this never ending depression, and my week long back ache, I am sick. Yesterday I was freezing with it being 95 degrees outside, wearing fleece pajamas and cuddling under blankets, when I finally got a fever and was burning up. Over night it became like swallowing razor blades so this morning I looked at my throat and it is bright red with a few questionable white things. I am just so tired of adding to things that are wrong with me!

It’s like every day there is this void. It’s always there. But some days there is just the right amount of love and family and happiness to make it feel smaller than it actually is. And then there are days like today, where it is just swallowing me whole. 

I am tired. And I am tired of it. I can’t say it enough. I can’t be this voided out version of myself anymore. I hate who it makes me. I do not want to look in the mirror, or face my children, or tell my husband what is really going on in my head. I’m just so very done with it.