The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I have been wanting to write for days. And of course now I am about to lose access to the lap top again, and I don’t know for how long. So I am going to attempt to write a decent amount about everything I have been wanting to write about.

The Good

1. Ian was given an ultrasound at the hospital to check on his kidney. He was also visited by a urologist who checked him out and reviewed the ultrasound. His exact words were. "Your son has far more healthy tissue on his kidney than a cystic kidney should. I have never seen a cystic kidney with that much healthy tissue." When we asked if it was functioning, all he could say was yes. Thank you everyone who prayed for him and us!

2.At 3 weeks postpartum, I can’t tell you how much I weigh because I don"t own a scale, but last night I packaged up all my maternity clothes because I don’t need them anymore. I couldn’t have lost all of the 35 pounds I gained because not everything pre-baby fits, but the majority of it does. Most importantly my wedding ring.

3. I feel like we should promise God that we will never cut a hair on Ian’s head all the days of his life. Seriously, he is like some sort of strong baby. He has been lifting his head since the day he was born. The nurses were blown away. At one week he mastered lifting it and then turning from side to side. At 2 weeks he figured out how to kick and push himself up with his legs. Assisted, he can "stand" for 15-20 seconds. And now he can hold his head up for minutes, turn from side to side multiple times and look up and down. Also, he can use his leg kicks to scoot himself up my body when laying on my chest.

4. Salem has adjusted great. We did have a few moments where she was not as well behaved as we were used to, but that was over with really quick and she is nothing but smiles to be a big sister. She keeps surprising us with all the things she is learning in school. And with her new found independence. She really is awesome. I am so very proud of her.

5. Ian smiles. I know he’s not supposed to or whatever, but he does. And I’m not some crazy mom swearing my child is a genius. And I don’t mean in his sleep either. He gets happy to see me (when I’m close enough) and smiles when I tickle his sleeps. He appears to be ticklish, but so far all I have gotten is a few grins and some squirms. He has laughed 4 times in his sleep in the last week so I am hoping that it starts coming through in his wakeful periods too. 

6. My baby has already been to Disneyland twice. And this Wednesday will be his third time. Some people think we are crazy, but I’m not passing him around to strangers or giving him dirty things from the park to suck on. We all wash our hands like crazy and he’s tucked away in the stroller the whole time. And we’ve only stayed for 4 hours at a time. If you have anything negative to say about it, please don"t say anything because I’ve already cried about it. Anyway, this Wednesday we get to go after hours and look at one of the parades up close and meet the characters. Salem is so excited about it! And us too.

7. Breastfeeding has been awesome. No complaints whatsoever, and the very few times that I have had to pump a bottle for Ian, he takes it without complaint. He also will take a pacifier which I am both happy about and a little afraid of, but it’s nice to have a baby that will use something other than me for comfort.

8. Ian’s wife was born last Tuesday (Justin & Destiny’s daughter). I was really sad that they are in Tennessee and we are here, but I am also so happy for them and their families. I can’t wait to meet her!

The Bad

1. Ian has baby acne. As of 3 days ago it started. I know that there are far more worse things for me to worry about, and this is not really "bad" but I hate it.

2. Our house has been under construction since the end of August, and still isn’t done. I’m not sure why because all the landlord was going to have done was new paint, replace the garage door, new sprinkler system and new grass because our lawn died. The paint isn’t finished and we have a giant pile of manure sitting on our dirt yard for the last 2 weeks. I’m tired of smelling it and not being able to decorate for Halloween because we don’t know if the decorations will be in the way.

3. I’m ready to feel attractive. Seriously. I know I have lost a lot of weight, and look really good for just having a baby, but I don’t want to look good because I gave birth 3 weeks ago, I want to look good period. So I need to work on the flabby tummy and my arms. I still hate my arms. It seems like the weight is holding on strong there. And I hate my hair. I think I am going to get it done today to cure that problem.

4. My birthday is on the 25th. I am terrified that I am not going to be happy on my day. I’m not entirely sure why, but I just have that feeling.

5. I am not 100% certain that my episiotomy is healing properly. I spoke to the triage nurse at my doctor’s office last week and she said everything sounds normal to her. I’m supposed to call back on Thursday if it doesn’t look any better to me.

The Ugly

1. I now have my second cold sore since giving birth. I am not completely shocked because I’ve always been effected by them hormonally and well, I’m chalk full of them still. But, I really wish some amazing doctor out there would develop an awesome cure. My medicine works at stopping them, I just wish it would suppress them too. It’s not fun having to deal with these things.

2. I cry everyday. It’s not always over the same thing, but the tears are there. It ranges from having to go back to work, to feeling like I am failing at being a mom to two children. Sometimes it’s because I am having a hard time adjusting going from the way Scott treated me while pregnant, to now that I am mostly capable of taking care of myself. I feel like I have a lot of stress weighing down on me, and no one to lean on. And just like during my pregnancy, I am afraid to go to my husband and tell him that I am struggling with depression, again. I see the downward spiral, the effects that both the depression and the fear of it are causing, and I am stuck where I am, unable to do anything about it. It’s terrifying.

3. Scott is ready to end our living arrangements with my mom and brothers, while I am not. Due in part to #2 of this subject, I was unable to handle myself appropriately while having our "family" meeting about this, and ended up making my husband feel abandoned and betrayed. The result? He didn’t speak to me until Sunday night and spent every moment he

could away from the house without telling me where he was. I knew how I reacted was wrong, and when I tried to talk it out with him, he wanted nothing to do with me. When he did talk to me about it last night, I heard everything he said, acknowledged his feelings and accept what I did, but there is still a part of me that is saying, what about me? And I don’t know if that is me being stubborn, or I really should have a say in it all. He has no idea what it’s like to come from a broken home, or to move in the middle of a school year. I do, and to see the fear in my brother’s eyes about having to move, and the way my emotions are, I couldn’t deal. I shut down. I still feel shut down. I don’t know what is right.

 

So…. I don’t necessarily think I will be away from here completely, or that it will be a long time, I just don’t know how long it will be. Just know that overall, everything is amazing. And though I ended this on a bad note, my husband is talking to me, and we are fine. I wish I had some pictures to post, but I don’t. There is always Facebook.