Teenage Angst

 Tonight I had to make runs to the ATM’s of both banks I do my banking with. I asked my brothers to watch Salem and Ian so I could listen to music and have some alone time in the car. Uninterrupted time to myself was all I really wanted, even if it was only for 20 minutes. The plus is that both banks have drive up ATM’s so I didn’t have to get out of the car. I am not really a fan of the radio, so Pandora is pretty much my constant companion. I chose a station I rarely listen to because anything can come on because it’s a compilation of Facebook Favorites. 

Probably the only talent I have, and what it’s good for I have no idea, is that I pretty much know every word to every song I have ever heard. I learn the words fairly quickly and Scott has always been highly entertained by this. I thought it was normal until he pointed it out to me. Once our friend, Pastor Matt (who was our worship Pastor) mentioned that it was like a dream gift for someone on the team, but I don’t sing as well as I remember and that’s about where that ends. 

With all of that being said, an Avril Lavigne song came on that I have not listened to in at least 7 years, and I sang loud and without missing a beat. And I remembered much how I felt when I used to sing it in my volatile younger years when I was down. There is such similar comparisons to the way I feel now and then, but profound differences. And yet, the words spoke such strong emotions that I am unable to communicate on my own. The song is much like an imagination for me, but it portrays so much how I feel. 

I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound

Isn’t anyone tryin to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home
It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand<br style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-color: initial; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0

px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; font-size: 1em; font-family: Verdana, Arial; ” />
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you

I’m looking for a place
I’m searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
‘Cause nothing’s going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn’t anyone trying to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home
It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand<br style=”border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-color: initial; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; font-size: 1em; font-family: Verdana, Arial; ” />
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I’m just out of my mind
Yeah-he-yaa, Yeah-he-yah, Yeah-he-yah, Yeah-he-yah, Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

It’s a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won’t you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you<br style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-color: initial; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; font-size: 1em; font-family: Verdana, Arial; ” />

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don’t know who you are
But I… I’m with you
I’m with you
I’m with you…
 
 
 
 
I slept horribly last night because of obsessive thoughts that would not leave me alone. Some of them were of happy things to come like the kids’ birthdays and our upcoming beach trip this weekend, and others were of the mounted pressure of bills, and worry over my relationship, and Ian’s precious little body. I went downstairs alone with Ian like every morning, and couldn’t bring myself to make coffee, or breakfast for myself. Instead I put Ian in his high chair and gave him his breakfast and sat rooted to the coach, watching TV, but not really watching. I came upstairs after an hour or two and started to look up things on the computer. Scott was awake but still in bed. Ian was grumpy. He didn’t want to sit on my lap, so I put him on the floor to throw a fit there instead of on me. A few minutes later Salem and the dog game barreling in knocking Ian to the floor sprouting more tears. Scott took the kids downstairs to make Salem breakfast and I instantly felt guilty. So instead of sitting where I sit now, I went downstairs and took over Salem’s breakfast prep, and then immediately started on Ian’s laundry. He crawled into the laundry room to see what I was doing and immediately got into something that he wasn’t supposed to. Scott heard me telling him no, and rushed in to take him. And again I felt guilty. Or maybe judged? I feel like any negative response I have to either of my children’s behavior is scrutinized under a microscope. Maybe it’s in my head, maybe it’s not, but I’ll never ask. Ei