OK

 Everything is ok. I hate to think that in some way I might have worried people. I am still having a really hard time adjusting, and there are things that are just driving me crazy, but I am Ok. And there have been some good things. I feel a little awkward because of how long it has been since I have written, and how long it was before that, but I am going to give it a shot. Well sorta. 

Me:

I am doing the best I can. I am trying really hard to separate myself from my family drama, and just focus on what is here in this house only. I am enjoying being alone with Ian during the day and free to just do my own thing. I am not a fan of how much farther Salem’s school is away from here, but I am very happy that the district approved for her to stay, and even approved her to stay through 6th grade, if we so choose. I have decided on growing my hair out, so that is driving me crazy because it is super awkward looking, but I am having fun trying to find new ways to wear it. The color is still a work in progress, but it is getting there. I am currently sick, falling behind in my husbands and kids footsteps because they all got it first. I am really excited because Justin and Destiny land here in roughly about 59 hours and will be here through January 3rd!

Scott:

He is still doing really good at work. I am excited to see what his review will bring for him. The company does them all annually at the same time every year, so he will get his first one after just 4 months of being there, but it’s exciting because clients have been calling corporate and his boss giving rave reviews about him, and he has been breaking records. His band is taking a break from playing shows right now, and they are recording their first CD. Nothing super glamorous, but it’s something that he really looks forward to with every band that he is ever in. I think it is proof of his accomplishments. And he loves me. Things have been really good between us. Starting with a date night that he initiated about a week or so before the move. We have both been trying harder to make time for one another and to give each other the things we both require to know that we are loved.

Salem:

She got an amazing report card. When I had her parent teacher conference at the beginning of the school year, I asked how the kids were going to be graded, and her teacher said that it was about the same as last year, and that it would be pretty unlikely for a first grader to get anything higher than an S on their report cards. Well Salem got 10 O’s and 5 S’s on her report card. And last week she received 2 awards at school and scored advanced in both Language Arts and Math. I am so very proud of her! She has taken the move a little hard. She misses my mom and my brothers, but is doing pretty well for the most part. Last week she got to spend time with them, and it makes me really happy that she is so happy to be with them. She is finished with all of her dental work, but we have more stuff pending. Unfortunately, her two front teeth are loose, but are not making their way out fast enough and we can see her adult teeth through her gums. The dentist said if she doesn’t get them out before the adult teeth break through, she will have to remove them. We are really working on getting those teeth out!

Ian:

He’s doing awesome, although I feel like he has been sick for a month. The week of moving he got the stomach flu. Then me, then Scott. His flu lasted well over a week. Then he got this cold, that has yet to let up. Some days I think he is getting better, and then he starts coughing and it really is driving me crazy. He had a very hard time adjusting being here. In addition to being sick, he was extremely clingy and showed obvious opposition to being left alone in a room, or even walking into an unoccupied room, something he has never done before. It lasted about a week, but I think he understands now that this is home. He also gets really excited to see my mom and brothers, so again that makes me smile. This week I have finally gotten him to show me where his nose is, and when I ask him what Santa Clause says, he tells me HO HO HO.  Last month we went to the urologist and met with a doctor who was covering for Ian’s normal doctor and she just kept insisting that all of his problems stem from him not being circumcised and that every UTI he has had have not been real, the bacteria was just back up from his skin. I was livid and angry that I was alone for that appointment. Two weeks later I met with the nephrologist and I explained everything to her and she told me that I needed to make another appointment, and to never see that doctor again. Thankfully she talked to me about Ian’s kidney in great detail and gave me lots of information that I never even knew. First of all, she said that most likely his cystic kidney will absorb into his body by the time that he is 5 years old, and that he will likely never have surgery. No one has ever said that to me! She also said that the having only one kidney puts him at risk for high blood pressure, even now, and so he needs to be checked every time he goes to the doctor. I asked her about the kidney reflux he tested negative for, and she said that they only way it could become an issue after being ruled out was if there was any scar tissue from a UTI and that is why she wants us to go back to the urologist. I asked if there was any reason surgery could become possible and there a few things. The first being that the kidney develops tumors or an infection. Secondly if he’s healthy kidney gets too big compensating for the bad one. Lastly, if he develops a condition called acidosis from the bad kidney barely functioning and releasing too much carbon monoxide into the blood. She started this last bit of information, and finished it by telling me that he tested positive for it at his last blood draw, but because it was when he was throwing up, that was the likely cause, but she still wanted him tested. He is still testing positive for it, though at very low levels, so we are retesting in 3 months, more like 2 months now, and we will decide on treatment. If she decides to treat it, it will be with medication first. We just got our approval for the second trip to the urologist via phone, I just need the hard copy so I can call the office. 

Sandy Hook:

I don’t know exactly how I feel about gun control, but I do know how I feel about those babies that died, the children who lived through it, and those parents who will never see their children again. When I read the news reports, I instantly began to cry. I held Ian who was sleeping in my arms and prayed. I am not sure what I was asking for, but I do remember asking God to hug those parents and not let them go. I tried calling Scott to talk to him about it because I felt completely devastated and isolated and needed him. He was in a meeting though so instead I continued to cry and pray. I put Ian in his crib and paced my hallway, trying to piece together my thoughts, talking out loud to no one. And I have to say I am not entirely proud of everything I thought. I really had hoped that rather than taking his own life, the shooter had been killed by officers. I just felt like he took those children from their parents, and I really wanted to know that someone took the choice of wether he lived or died away from him.

And, it was a hard day to be a Christian. I know that His ways are above my ways, and His understanding above mine, but it is so hard not to ask why, and not to say I know that he could have stopped it, and did not. Days later, I am past the questioning and just really wish that it never happened. I think everyone does. It just is so unfortunate that life works the way that it does, that there is no wishing things away. I don’t know how I would function as one of those parents, and so all I can do is cherish my children a little more. This week, I have pretty much done away with laundry, and dishes. This week is for cuddling and naps, and making sure that I breathe in every precious moment of my kids lives that is granted to me. Of course, there is fear. I shudder everyday dropping Salem at school. She got her awards the day of the shooting, and walking on to her campus, I just wanted to take her and go. I have irrational fears, and this one where my daughter is not safe at school, has intensified and it is hard for me. Is it hard for you too?