Mother

 I don’t know how much more I can take. 

I made chicken tortilla soup for lunch today even though it was 90 degrees outside. I was shredding a cheese block and it made me remember when I realized people did things differently than my family. My mom never bought grated cheese when I was a kid. It was too expensive. She always bought a giant block, shredded it, and then bagged it. When I noticed that other parents didn’t do that I was actually appalled! Why would someone spend the extra dollar? When I was on my own, I almost felt guilty for just buying the grated cheese because I was spending the extra dollar. 

And it wasn’t just that. I felt like I had to buy toilet paper and paper towels in bulk, if not, I was wasting money. Why would I ever buy the soft fluffy bread because I liked it better than the cheaper, dry, flat one? Powder detergent went farther than liquid and fabric softener was an unnecessary luxury. And how dare I use the air conditioning when I could just sit around all day in front of a fan?

Are other people like this? Probably, but it just speaks volumes to me about the insanity that I was exposed to, and still am. 

Money is all that motivates my mother. She is fruitless with it, and then always says she has none when it really counts. It is ruining our relationship. Scott got a new car this weekend, one that my father in law cosigned for and actually made our payments go down $50, and she accused me of having all kinds of money that we don’t have, all because she doesn’t have it. Her behavior disgusts me. Seriously. And I don’t think I can take anymore. 

The latest battle with her is the electricity bill because it’s hot. And my cell phone bill because she used to be on our plan, and chose to get off of it earlier than her contract expiration and now owes fees. She has known about them for 2 months. And today when I asker her for the money because they were threatening to turn our phones off, she put up a fight and yelled at me about it. Last Saturday she spent over $100 on my brother on shoes that he doesn’t need, just wanted. Not to mention all the clothes she also purchased for him, and 4 dresses she bought for my cousin’s wedding to the find the perfect one, and didn’t return any of them. She’s more than allowed to spend money, but my point is, if you don’t want to be broke, don’t spend the money, especially when you know you have bills coming. 

I’m pretty sure if we didn’t live together, I wouldn’t feel this way. I wouldn’t see the behavior, and hear the things she says. There is so much more to it than all of this, but tonight she completely flipped out. She is convinced that no one in this house loves her other than Salem. She alienates herself. Even after my brother tried to commit suicide last November, and he asker her to please stop spending so much time in her room, she still does it everyday. The only time she comes out is to eat, go to the bathroom, and to yell at someone. But she is convinced, literally. I think she is crazy. 

I don’t know what to do about it, but honestly, I can’t do anything about it. I firmly believe that the reason why I struggle so much with my PPD still, is because of the environment I live in. I have been conditioned to believe for so long that it is my responsibility to take care of my mom and brothers, that I honestly feel like the only thing I can do to escape it is to move away. That is why I want to leave. That’s why I need to leave.

She screamed in my face tonight that all she has done is sacrifice her whole life for us and we don’t care. And as she is saying it I know she means anything related to money. She doesn’t get that she has done very little for us by way of love and actual parenting, especially lately. I used to be a mess because of my childhood and I feel it all coming back again. 

And by the way, I’m a mom now too and I know what she means. But the last time I checked, that’s my job! My children’s needs come first. Of course they will always get what they need, and I will take the back burner because they can’t take care of themselves. And neither could we. 

So many times I have needed a mother, and I can’t even go to her because she makes me the adult in our relationship. She’s great with my kids, I just wish she was with us too.