Deprivation

 What can I say about the fight? It’s over, and it was over much quicker than I thought it would be. I can say that I had the morning after regret when looking back at the entry and wondering if it was a good idea that I had written it. And then I realized that this is my diary and it is here fore the purpose of expressing my feelings. I may have painted a poor picture of my husband for one moment, but I know that he is a good man and there will be fights. 

Between me and him, the following morning was not pleasant. It was silent and cold. My plan was to leave with Ian directly from dropping off Salem and not say anything to him about it, but it didn’t work out that way. I had to come back and finish getting things together, but he was so distracted with getting himself ready that he didn’t even notice that we left. Usually when we fight, he leaves and says nothing and I am left wondering where he is. I always tell myself that I am going to do it to him, but never do it. I was glad this time that I was childish and went through with it. I can’t say for sure that my going through with it was what ended the fight so soon, but by the time I drove to the mall and was about to get out of the car, he called to apologize and we talked it out. And then it was over. For that reason that’s all I have to say about it, we put it in the past and there it shall stay.

I enjoyed my time at the mall with Ian. I stayed long enough that I was arriving just in time to pick Salem up from school when I came home. I didn’t spend any money, but because I didn’t have a 5 year old or my husband rushing me, I was able to go into every store that I wanted to, and take my time looking at the things that interest me. Have a few ideas where to spend money when I want to go back. Next week I think I am going to try a movie just me and Ian while Salem is in school and see how that goes. 

Currently I am running on 4 hours of sleep and have been awake for nearly 12 hours. I have been unable to nap all day. Scott went out with friends last night for a Bachelor Party. I expected him to be late, but when I woke up at 3:20 and he wasn’t here, I was shocked. He sent me text after text to let me know what they were doing while I was sleeping so I wasn’t worried per say, just paranoid about him getting home safe because of other people celebrating Cinco De Mayo making their way home too. So I stayed awake until he got here at 4:15, but my brain wouldn’t turn off. I would lay awake with my eyes closed holding Ian trying to fall asleep and nothing would happen. I finally fell asleep for real at 7:00 just to have Ian wake up for the day at 7:25. It’s been a long day. 

I am waiting and praying for his two top front teeth to make their appearance sooner than later here. He has been so unbelievably grumpy and honestly a little mean. Yesterday I was ready to swear off nursing, but you know, not really. I has a biting problem with him before he actually had any teeth, but got him to stop by simply ignoring him when he bit me and taking him off my breast. After a day of this, he got the hint that it was not ok to bite mommy. Now, he is biting me and nothing is working. And ignoring him is not an option because he doesn’t let go, unless I respond, and then he only lets go because he is laughing. No seriously. The word no is funny. ‘That hurts mommy’ is funny. Pulling his ear, tapping his nose, and squeezing his cheeks is funny. I am not trying to hurt him, just simply trying to get him to let go. He has broken skin, and my spirit. Yesterday morning was the breaker. He bit me repeatedly and after talking to Scott about it, 20 seconds later he bit down and let go because I screamed. Scott took him from me and I burst into tears. I laid in bed and just sobbed. I feel like I am failing, and it breaks my heart that I have actually considered stopping at this point. I love nursing him, it is the most satisfying thing to me, but the frustration over the last week is really getting to me. Scott held him and got him to sleep so I could collect myself. He found an article online that I hadn’t yet read online saying mostly everything that I have already read and done, but there was a suggestion to pull him into me rather than pulling him away because he wouldn’t be able to breathe. Sounds cruel, but I did it. He also thinks this is funny, but he lets go faster and he seems to understand faster that I am mad. He has bit me far less since reading the article. It could be because I am nursing him less, but I am hoping it is because of the new technique. That and I am making sure to talk to him and rub his head and back or hold his hand while we are nursing. Honestly though, he was biting every time I nursed before yesterday morning, so something must be different. 

Our weekend has been pretty low key. Yesterday we went to the mall so Salem could jump on a trampoline with a bungee cord. =o) I don’t know what it’s called but she loved it. It was a short trip out of the house and we came home to spend time with Scott before he left for the bachelor party. And because we are super tired, we have done nothing today. We have showered, but remain in pajamas. Well Scott is in his New Jersey Devils jersey while he watches the game. I’ll have a very happy man if they win this game.

I am honestly addicted to Instagram. I often  say that I am talentless and I have not a single artistic bone in my body, but this gives me a little hope in myself. I hope my pictures are interesting and visually stunning, and when I get some feedback, it makes me feel really good about myself. There is also something wildly inspiring about seeing the world through pictures of other people. It’s exciting to see those I know in a new light, and equally exciting to see the pictures of people I don’t know in places I have never been. 

I am so sleep deprived. I am seriously hoping for a better week. I want to feel like super mom again.