Black is Back

First off, I dyed my hair black, and cut my hair again, really short this time. But….. our new computer is a MAC and I am having issues figuring out why it won’t let me post picture in here. 

I feel like a serious update is in order and feel very pressured into writing something good because so much has happened since the last time I wrote. So instead I’ll write about what stands out to me and that will prove to be the important things. 

Yesterday I had my intake appointment for the PPD support group. It was so emotionally draining, but I was so happy that I went. It was the first time I felt like I talked to someone about it who was truly non judgmental in any way. It was really hard. I cried a lot. The hardest part was trying so desperately to express that my thoughts/fantasies of hurting myself never cross over to the thoughts of mu children, and it is there life’s that keep me from doing anything, that my sons head rested against my chest brings me comfort nothing else can. They assured me that they could see how much I love him by the way I held him with me and in his face and obvious development. They kept assuring me that I am a good mother. I had to face much of what is bothering me, and it was good. 

I took 2 tests, both of which I can’t remember the names, but they were to score how sever my PPD is. The first test I took had a total high score of 30, I scored a 22. The second test had a possible high score of 60, I scored a 57. They are definitely concerned with the dosage of my antidepressant and feel that it should be increased.  I also did a health questionare and learned that there a lot of physical ailments going on with me that are related to this because essentially my body is under extreme amounts of stress on a daily basis, which it cannot handle. 

And here is where the problem lies. I was under the impression that I would be meeting with nurses for the intake appointment, but they actually run the support group, and because they are not nurse practitioners, they can not prescribe anything. The program is run through the county that borders the one I live in (very closely) so I am not eligible for resources they have available, so they are going to look into programs in my county where I can see a psychiatrist at an affordable cost so that person can manage my medication and help me battle this. 

I am very happy with the idea of the support group though. It is every Monday morning at a hospital about 20 minutes from my house. The nurses always have a topic for discussion and offer coping methods as well as identifying what scenarios trigger each individual woman. If anything, I will know that I am not alone, and have an outlet that I can speak my mind in.

One question had me realizing I really am uncomfortable in my own skin and am desperate to change it. In the 4 months Ian has been with us, I have had 3 hairstyles, each one getting shorter and shorter. I have dyed it both an extreme red, as well as this dark black. I have liked every alteration, but have wanted something different within a weeks time. Well, I can’t really say that about today’s haircut or the black because it has only been a few days, but it won’t surprise me. I just want to be normal me again, so badly.

Ian had his 4 month check up and everything was wonderful. He weighs 14.8 pounds now and is 25 inches long. He of course cried for his shots, but stopped pretty quickly after he was dressed and back in my arms. His doctor stood him up on the table and he stood up straight and tall for her. She told us his motor skills are well advanced, that they are that of a 6/7 month old baby and that he is very strong. I just laughed and said I was well aware. And the day after he decided to prove just how strong he was by doing sitting up while playing with toys, and standing up all by himself while holding on to his activity center. 

Salem is officially learning to read. Every week she has a simple reader sent home that I have to sign off on saying she was able to read it without help. Last week it took 3 days to master her book. This week she was able to read it to me her very first try. I am a very proud momma! Oh, did I mention that on her report card her teacher scored her advanced in over half of her categories? Yeah, I knew she was a smart cookie!

My book club read for this month is The Hunger Games. It was the first book I have devoured in months! I finished it in less than 3 days, and 2 days later I am half way done with the second book in the trilogy. I absolutely love the story! And I am beyond excited that there is a movie coming! 

It’s 11:40 and I am getting tired. I am not finding words like I thought I would when I started this, so instead I will find some relaxation and climb into bed with my book while I am interruption free.