And As For Me

 First of all I need to change my hair color, badly! I recently changed the cut a little so it will grow out the way I want it, but that hasn’t nearly satisfied my desire, and I want to do something BIG. 

So only taking into consideration colors, which would you choose for me? Scott wants me to do the red for Fall/Winter, and then do the black and white come Spring. I’m still a little on the fence and with no clear distinction from anyone else, I am reaching out to you Diary land. These are the only options by the way because I got a few suggestions from others on colors that I had not suggested.

Also, I’ve lost 13 pounds. I am under my pre pregnancy weight by 5 pounds. But I wasn’t happy with my weight when I got pregnant to begin with, so while I am very proud of myself, I want another 5 to 10 pounds off. I will base that off of what I think I look like when I get the first 5 pounds off. It’s a little hard to judge too because I am still carrying around milk jugs. 

And nothing else seems to get better. The last few weeks have been so bad. So hard. And I am so sick of it. I am so tired of being this defective version of myself. My family deserves better than what I am. And so Scott is begging me to make a change. I have been depressed for over a year, and something has to give. The history on this is that I was diagnosed while I was still pregnant remember? And at no point has it gone away, and though there is ups and downs, it does not get better. Scott wants me out of the environment we are in. We originally agreed at the beginning of the school year that this would be the last year in the house with everyone and we would be moving out July 1st, what I have told my entire family and what they are planning for. And now, after Scott finally digging into my emotions, and wants and trying to sort out my feelings for me, he is begging that we move in with his dad December 1st. 

I can list negatives and positives, just not right now because I am trying to write this fast. Basically, if we move there, and Unemployment does not get extended and I don’t go back to work, we can still maintain our lifestyle and not even notice a difference. And, Scott is basically saying just stay at home with our kids. No questions asked, until I am ready. The hope is that there will be a huge promotion for us that will lead to us being able to still keep me at home, but outside of his parents house, but we are not putting a time line on it. And right now, my husband is kicking butt at work. He has been number one in the nation the last two weeks, and is looking like he is going to do it again this week. It is a very realistic possibility that he will be seeing a promotion in the near future. But if we move, then I take back everything I said and my family has been depending on. But Scott is convinced that it is this house keeping me from working on myself and getting better because everyone needs something from me and no one offers help, just more strain. And I see the truth in that, but also see the moments where they do help. And more than anything I am concerned about Salem having to switch schools. Or the stability of both my children’s everyday lives being disrupted. So, if you were me, what would you do?

Newest thing I am looking forward to? October 20th I am finally getting my tattoo on my arm colored!!!!