All About ME *E*

Seriously, this entry will be about nothing but me.

I have been in a super funk since my birthday. I have not had a more disappointing birthday since I turned 17, and that is saying a lot. I am a grown adult, and I don’t expect much, and it certainly isn’t presents and adoration. My mother did nothing for me. She left me a comment on my Facebook page, and that is it. She didn’t even ask how my day was the next morning when I saw her. My grandmother sent home a card for me with her, and she just left it sitting on the kitchen counter for me. The envelop was open, and so I went and asked if there was money or a check in it that might have been removed, and she rolled her eyes at me and acted like that was the stupidest question I could ever ask her. This is the first year in my life that my mom has never gotten me anything, she didn’t even get me a card. It really hurts me. Especially because she showed absolute zero interest in my happiness for my day.

Besides my mom, my younger brother didn’t even say Happy Birthday to me. Scott stopped on his way home from work and got a cake out of the bakery at the grocery store and a bottle of wine for me. When we cut the cake, Salem asked him if he wanted a piece and he answered her with just a head shake, and the answer was no. In her kind child way, she told him that it was my birthday and he hadn’t told me Happy Birthday yet. All he did was shrug his shoulders and walk right past me. I don’t know what I did to make him love me so much less.

I’m not sure if I am supposed to talk about this here, but I’m going to. I love my husband. I love having sex with my husband. But that doesn’t mean it always happens. In fact, we have been in a dry spell much of the last two months. There are varying different reasons for why this happened, a lot of them tend to do with me and my emotions. But I finally had the guts to say something to him this past weekend, and we were able to work around our children and get things flowing again. Which in turn has opened up my emotions about everything, and for now it seems to be a good thing between us. With opening up about the sex, I am able to tell him just how I feel about other things that I feel like I am constantly facing. But I am feeling raw, and drained because of it.

And if I am being honest, also really bitter. Which is just dumb, but none the less I feel it. Scott is sick right now, I am pretty sure with Strep Throat, and I can’t get him to go to the doctor. So he started to feel bad Monday, and woke up super sick on Tuesday, to which he stayed home from work and slept all day, went to work yesterday and then started feeling like bad again while we were trick or treating, and is at work claiming death is upon him every time I ask how he is doing. It’s just that he gets sick, and the world must stop turning for him. I know that this is supposed to be a pretty common symptom for men, but it reminds me how I am "sick" but it isn’t physical and so it doesn’t get acknowledged that I need taking care of too, and recouping. Tuesday was an absolute nightmare. My anxiety was through the roof, and the night before I was awake for almost 4 hours in the morning hours when I should have been asleep. Monday was a very bad day for me, so much so that I felt like I couldn’t feel any emotion properly. I was walking around Target with Scott and the kids and I felt like a monster. Going into Tuesday the emotions starting coming back, sending me reeling into anxious feelings, and so on top of my children, I also had my sick husband to take care of, and quite frankly interfering with it by sleeping all day and barring us from our bedroom, and my safe haven. He complained that we were hungry last night and wanted to stop and get some food because he just wanted to get to bed, and so knowing that he is feeling the way he is now, tonight will likely be the same way. I’m not happy about it because my mom is home, which means if we are banned from the sanctity of my bedroom, I have to be around her, and I really don’t want that.

I have to clean. But I desperately do not want to. The only thing I want to do is lay in bed and cuddle my son. Today I loathe my responsibilities. I hate that a week after my birthday, despite a good weekend with my family, and lots of joy trick or treating last night, my emotions are still raw and bleeding from my birthday scraping. That’s exactly how I feel.

I feel like I should point out that I did actually have a great day on my birthday. Scott did a great job making me feel loved and special, and my dad and girlfriend acted like parents and made sure I knew that I was loved by them too. The disappointment didn’t set in until I was laying in bed to fall asleep, and then in the morning when my mom ignored it still, I was just overwhelmed by it. My day was great, it was my feelings that got hurt.