slap in the face?

I just want to get this out there right at the beginning. I don’t like Dr. Phil at all. I never watch his show I can’t stand the stupidity of the people that are on his show.

Josh’s mom emailed me and told me about this Dr. Phil episode that was about couples that didn’t know if they were ready to tie the knot, or knew they wanted to, but had problems to figure out first. She always sends us these emails and we never watch them because most of the time we don’t care, but this time I decided to humor her.

Wow. Just wow. This couple. I just can’t even believe it. This guy has cheated on his fiance so many times, he "roughly touched" her and her one friend and went to jail for it. He swears at her, screams at her and treats her like shit all in front of their kid and she still says she wants to marry him. OMG. Ok, if Josh ever treated me like that..he would be out the door faster than I could blink.  I mean, I’m not saying that Josh and I don’t fight, because that is not the case. We fight, but nothing too bad or serious. We are both on edge about everything that is going on in our lives. Jobs, money, the wedding, family, school, graduation. We are just trying to figure it all out.

I know we are young-ish. But I am 21 and he is 22. He will be 23 and I will be 22 when we get married. Josh’s mom was already married and had a kid by 20! and My parents were married at 23 and 25. So, we are in the same ball park age as our parents, but I just don’t feel like we have the full support of our families. I just feel like they think we are too young and blah blah blah. I think that we compliment eachother very well. We are always there for eachother. ALWAYS. I have never had to worry about calling or talking to Josh and have him not listen or care. We know how to handle finances together. We argue, yes, but we always find a way to work it out. I know he loves me. I have never felt more love from one person in my life. I love him more than anything on this earth. I don’t know how I got him, how I ended up with someone so wonderful. I definitely went through a bunch of losers to get to him. I sometimes feel like I’m not good enough for him.

I try so hard to make sure that he is happy. I do everything I can for him and he does all he can for me. He knows what I like when I am sad or stressed, but he isn’t learning quickly about what I don’t like when I’m mad. We are working on that.

We both know that we have things to work on. We are both control freaks (kinda) We both like being in control, but in different ways. I like the house to be arranged the way I like it since I am the one to clean it and put things away. I think that is fair to say, don’t you? I am going to clean and put the dishes away and the kitchen is my passion, so it’s only right that I have it arranged the way I like and that I am used to. Josh likes to be in control of any electronics. Which is fine, b/c he is a nerd like that and I’m not, but I like to hold the remote sometimes too.  I am a neat freak! I think I might have a minor case of OCD. I like things organized and neat. I feel like I live better and less stressed when everything has its place. I don’t think that’s bad? Is it? Well Josh doesn’t care about that. He just throws his stuff where ever he wants and that’s where it lays until I pick it up. He knows he has to work on that. I do the laundry, and I don’t mind. It is not a big deal to me. But it sucks to have to pull all his clothes the right side out because he doesn’t know how. I am grossed out about dirty socks. Especially Josh’s because he works all day in boots. Gross. They stink and they are sweaty. All I ask is that everything is right side out because I will spend 15 minutes just turning his clothes the right side out. That would save me so much time. I have no problem folding them and putting them away. Cleaning is a stress reliever for me. I don’t mind doing it. Like I said, I like things to be neat and clean, so I do it myself.  The only thing that Josh cleans is the hair out of the shower drain because that grosses me out! lol He does take the garbage out and takes care of the cars and does the "manly" stuff. So, I think that me doing the cleaning and laundry is only fair. Josh likes to cook, but he doesn’t like doing the dishes, but if he cooks, I’ll do the dishes. Hell, even when I cook, I do the dishes! He doesn’t do the greatest job though, so I don’t mind!

Anyway, to the point because I seem to like tangents!

I saw a lot of really horrible things on this episode, but I also saw a few things here and there that are just like Josh and I. It kind of scares me. I love him and he loves me and I know there are no questions about that. It scared me because I do snap at him sometimes for no reason and we fight sometimes for no reason and we can scream and swear at eachother. And when I look back at these situations, I just want to die because there is no reason for that. We should be able to settle fights without screaming and swearing. I know that those situations only come out of frustration or fatigue. Now, I don’t want you to think that we get into screaming matches all the time because we don’t, but when those fights do arise, I want to be able to talk not scream. I know I snap and I know I shouldn’t, but I feel like I might just one day have a breakdown because of all the stress that I have. I always apologize after, but I wish I could stop myself before I did it. He knows I don’t mean it, but that is still no excuse to do it.

I know that we will change and learn how to deal with stress and anger, but watching this show made me realize that I don’t want to end up like them.  I don’t want to evolve into one of those couples.

I know every couple has their fights, but I just feel like we are the only ones who are like this. I love him and there is no question that I want to be with him. I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t.

I want to be with him until death do us part. I just feel like we have a lot to work on.

Goodness..I can’t believe that I just poured all of that out! I know that this was a big boring entry, but I needed to pour it all out somehow and somewhere.

I feel like I still have so much to say, but I don’t know where to start. I guess that will be another entry.

<———-Another entry, that’a way.

(wow, 2 long, heart felt entries in 2 hours, you can def tell that AF is here!)

notes are always welcome!