yes…

I have been very angry lately.  I don’t get angry often.  I think part of the reason I’ve been so angry is that I have finally realized that it’s okay to voice my opinion about things that upset me.  I’ve always been rather quiet about those things, in person at least.  I vent about them sometimes but in the past few months I’ve had less and less of a problem with being assertive with people who piss me off.

Take this girl, Megan, for example.  When I think about her, I just want to punch a wall.  I am very rarely violent.  I am a little confused about my reaction to her.  I’ve basically cut myself off from her in an effort to feel less angry.  I don’t talk to her anymore and she doesn’t talk to me.  We didn’t end things particularly well.  I have a very small wish to rectify that.  It has been getting smaller as time goes by.  Eventually I think I won’t care about her at all.

When you experience heat exhaustion, there is a feeling of basically a wave that comes over  you.  Surge is perhaps a better description, but slower than that.  Your heart rate picks up, and you shake a little bit.  That’s basically how I feel much of the time.  I find myself grinding my teeth frequently.  My blood pressure is disgustingly high, 157 over 110 last I checked (this afternoon).  I nearly passed out yesterday while I was at Sam’s Club.  I frown involuntarily much of the time.  I tend to take shallow breaths as well.

I am not finished emotionally with Megan.  I am still very angry.  I have not forgiven her.  To forgive means "to give up resentment."  I am not even close to that.  I don’t even think "resent" covers how I feel about her.  I despise her.  I detest her.  I loathe and abhor her.  I don’t want to say that I hate her, but that’s a pretty fair approximation of the intensity of this feeling.  The thought of her makes me want to hurt small animals. 

Writing about this is really not making me feel any better, so I’m going to stop now.

Dave