Colour blind fish

Be yourself they tell you. Just be yourself and you’ll survive. Trust me I want to be myself, but where the fuck do I find that bitch? I wish there was like a magazine test I could take, one of those that’s like a mind map and you follow it by answering yes or no questions. At the end I would find a detailed description of me. The worst part is this map doesn’t even exist and  I already wish I looked at the possible answers before to magically get the one I wanted. Maybe that is my issue, I don’t accept what is meant for me, I refuse to be ‘her’ and instead I look for what looks cool from other people (or maybe it is for other people, I haven’t quite figured that one out). They do say, grass is always greener on the other side. 

So question remains, who am I? Well to be honest, everyday I figure it out but by the next day I no longer agree with that conclusion and question myself some more. At this point I feel like I have gone in so many circles that maybe my mental health was actually better before I started to ‘get to know myself’. I feel like I am this person, then think no, you are wrong maybe you are that person, or maybe you think you are that person because you are actually… the opposite! Oh yes people I told you, my brain goes everywhere. Who knows though, maybe its okay if I don’t want to be this person maybe I can be the cooler one. Maybe everyone thinks that way and thats why they are cool. But is it all fake? Are they actually happy? Am I falling for a facade? Is me questioning all this overthinking? Is any of it maybe true? How can I tell when I’ve begun overthinking or simply thinking things through?

I need to be more assertive. I question everything, even when I was already 100% sure. Some say I’m gullible, some say I am stupid. Some say I am guidable because they don’t want to call me stupid. But the really interesting ones are those who actually see my unassertive messy confused behaviour as cool, because that’s their previous prejudice of me. Or maybe I think they think I am cool and all of a sudden I am cool. I’ve tried this technique before and it is very efficient, but also exhausting. 

I am a very emotional, sensitive person, and not everyone sings up for that when they meet me. They find out once it is too late to back out. I can’t tell if that’s a defence mechanism, dropping my baggage once I know the person wont leave me, once I feel safe. Does everyone else do that too? Does it matter if they do or don’t? I wonder…