Motion

My paintings are lined against the corner of my wall in which my television set is placed and angled, facing me so that all at once, I can watch some television and fiddle around with this old computer. I try to limit both, as real life tends to be more on the important side of things, but its a very comfortable little room. I haven’t finished setting everything up, as I’ve only been back home for a few days, but I enjoy it much more than I had my previous dwelling.

Someday, I’ll leave this little space of mine and trade it for one truelly of my own. But at this point, I’m in no rush. No rush to become rich, no rush to become recognized. No rush at all. I have just enough and not enough so that I can live comfortably, striving always for more, but at the same time, never beyond distance that want I want has become unattainable.

I ran into a lovely girl that I took philosophy with. I never expected to see her again (although, to be honest… I really wanted to.) I haven’t talked to her in awhile and she works literally a 10 second walk away from where I do. I had stopped talking to her, because I felt guilty. Guilty by the fact that I could barely afford to buy her her vegan sandwhich at the little deli that she seemed to love. Guilty by the fact that I had no means of transportation to take her somewhere unique. Guilty that I had asked her to go out, than realizing that I had nothing at all to offer her.

But for whatever reason that I could never justify nor verify, she was okay with picking me up. Driving somewhere nearby. Going to a coffee shop (A chai over ice with soy-milk), than having sandwhiches at a little deli (Where they grilled sauteed mushrooms and had a wonderful sauce, I didn’t think vegan food could be that good). And at that moment, all of the little things that I didn’t have to offer didn’t seem to matter as this little darling girl saw something in me, even If I couldn’t see it in myself.

I had never called her again after that. I didn’t feel I was worthy of someone so kind.

So I took the first step. Decided to get myself a job, the very same job I’m working at today. And now, she works a 10 second walking distance away from me.

And here I am, in a home that I’d never thought I’d be at again. With a job that that leaves me with enough. With a life of my own that is no longer haunted by moments in the past. With all these little things that make life beautiful enough for me to never again, bring me down so low, that I could see no reasons for life.

There is no middle ground, maybe is a word you may find south of the boarder, but never ever west of the sun.