Infinite

Do you remember the rat hole studio apartment we used to talk about? What an idealistic dream that was. We had such a vivid and wild imagination about how we wanted to live together in such a cramped little shit hole. What kills me is that we honestly looked forward to such simplicity even if the expectations we set for ourselves consisted of nothing more then hammocks and Top Ramen and maybe a small television set..

(It wasn’t long ago when we used to talk about the past, present, and future. Back when we were just kids, and it was enough to hold childlike dreams to the higher standard of ideals. Yet, time has shifted against the outlining silhouette of the city we’ve grown up in, and now that we’re older– those beautiful ideals that were mapped along the city line no longer seem as plausible as they once had. The corresponding coordinations are all but lost, but we still exist in a world that slowly becomes more foreign to us. How long will it be before we’ve found what were looking for, and is what we’re looking for still in this forgotten city?)

It was a life we wanted to be able to call our own, but even now,  I sometimes wonder if anything ever belonged to us. I don’t know if anything ever belonged to "us," but back then I think it was enough to feel like we belonged together. Such silly dreams felt possible and it nice to look forward to a future that didn’t seem as gloomy as the present.

"To love and to be loved, lets just hope that it is enough."

We’ve grown up since those childhood dreams about how we’d want our lives to be like and have since given up on such beautiful ideals that I now only fondly think back. I don’t recall when we stopped talking about our dreams, but I suppose we realized how far-fetched everything we wanted seemed, especially when we were constantly confronted with a reality that was bitter, harsh and cold.

Roads weave us in and out of each others life; to this day they continue to do so, but life now feels unlike they had when childhood dreaming still felt possible. Giving up on what we believed in wasn’t and I still wonder if I really gave up.

I still want a life I can share with someone, though it might not be you anymore, the ideal still holds the same foundation. A futer with someone I care for and cares for me in a place we can call our own, our home.

I was always happy to be there for you when you needed me. Our time spent  together was always temporary; we’d always relapse back into a seperate paths leading us astray. Though the conclusion was always the same, it never seemed to matter at the present time; what mattered was that we were there for each other when needed one another.

—

As I walk on this old road that I’ve spent my life growing up with, heavy grey skies slowly begin to cascade over the horizontal horizon engulfing the world in what seems like an unpenatrable darkness. The sadness that takes over me sometimes becomes overwhelming; memories of my life that I want so badly to forget begin to resurface showing me images of events that I want  forgotten within the depth of my soul, as if to have never of occured.

I stand within the darkness in an attempt to wait out what seems like an eternity of dreadful feelings, a thin beam of light manages to puncture the dark infinite surface of the sky. I stand within the light absorbing what little warmth it has to offer, lingering as long as I can before it is once again consumed by darkness. It is within these brief moments surrounded by the warmth and love of those who care for me that allows me to continue dreaming; giving me hope to believe in a promising futer.

I built my dreams within this city and it within this city that I must leave them. There is nothing left for me here but darkness and I have no intention of dwelling within a cold world. I’ll find my way through life even if it means paving the pathway of destiny myself.

Sorry to dissapoint those who wish to see me fail (there seem to be quite a few these days)

I will not be the failure you think I am or  believe I will be.
I will pave my own path with hardwork and determination and find my destination in life.

I will be known and recognized no matter how hard I have to work to achieve this.
I will be happy, free and content; surrounded by those I love and who love me.

And for those that love me and seem to have an infinite amount of faith in me,
I won’t dissapoint you…

… I swear,  by the time I’m done, we’ll be infinite.