Diary

I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I feel terrible everytime I call her, but its so difficult to get a hold of her. I know that shes very busy with work, but I sometimes wonder if shes ignoring my calls as shes done to another guy who fell in love with her, and I wonder if I’m no different than this sap who keeps entering her life, only so he can attempt to find another way into her heart as hes done so many times before.

But my intentions are never of love at the start, nor do I try to ever force the question of a relationship. All I’ve come to understand is that its something that I want and I find it so hard to imagine it with anyone else, but her. But I always keep my cool in the most difficult of situations and I hold my ground, because I’m not like this poor sap who keeps coming and going. Shes always been my best friend first, and I won’t ever forget that. Its engraved into my arms on a silver band that we share.

And shes always told me that she loves spending time with me regardless of who she doesn’t want to see, so I’m trying my hardest to believe those words that feel so vague at times. My heart often overthrows my mind and I try so hard not to get mislead, because it seems I’ve been hurt to often from situations that I could’ve avoided.

But isn’t love worth the pain the must bear at times? I have to believe so, because it wasn’t… I’m sure I wouldn’t care so much, but love is the most important thing in my life. Its something that I try to believe is worthwhile to others, not only just to me.

And this job I got; an attempt to have something more in life of value to bid for her time. She didn’t care whether or not I had money. It was unimportant to her and I’ve should’ve known this from the start, because we’ve always known the value of a dollar and we’ve discussed the relevance of money in life before.

I just feel heartbroken that I find it necessary to spend my money on materialistic items or drinks just to ease the sometimes unbearable pain that I seem to feel, knowing that the closest thing in my life may possibly be the farthest and that the most possible thing may simply be the impossible.

Its all very vague at this point, but I want to keep my head up high even if I can’t move my right hand back.

I just don’t want to be another poor sap, wasting his time with something that might never come.