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My therapist said I should start writing.

Well, she said I should do something productive to unwind or simply do something to get my thoughts out.

Truthfully, life feels a little stagnant right now. I’m getting older. That’s the simple truth. That comes with a lot though. As I get older, the accomplishments I feel in life no longer feel as significant as they would of if I was younger. The amount of joy I get through activities doesn’t sustain itself as long as I’d like, and I often find myself wondering if that’s a part of getting older or if this simply has to do with my condition.

It’s funny being in therapy this long though.

It started as something so basic–I was losing my cool at work. I just couldn’t manage to keep it together and that was in part to dealing with two different managers that I just could not stand. When I say keeping it together, my mood was constantly spiraling to extreme highs to incredible lows. Interestingly, it was my therapist who thought I should go see a psychiatrist to maybe get some support because our therapy sessions indicated that I was spiraling into severe depression.

I was initially adamant against the idea, as I’d been on quite a few drugs–most proved ineffective over a long period of time. Antidepressants worked for a short period of time; however, my condition always worsened over time. So far, I’ve been on Zoloft, Prozac, Welbutrin, Celexa, and Lexapro. The worst has been Zoloft which I took when I was twelve. The most effective was Lexapro, which I took throughout the last year of college until I lost insurance. I’ve essentially been off medication since that period until about a year ago.

On my first psychiatrist visit, my doctor and I had roughly a two hour conversation in regards to what had occurred in the past and what was happening in the present. Afterwards, I was prescribed with Lexapro which he was somewhat hesitant to do. However, I had pushed for it since I had explained it had been the only medication that had worked. Lexapro worked for about two months, but I began experiencing some manic episodes before at which point I’d begin to rapid cycle. I had no idea what any of this meant prior until I explained prior episodes with my doctor, and labels were created to explain what was happening. Ultimately, we decided against the Lexapro, and I’ve begun to take a mood stabilizer called Lamictal which has worked wonders calming my extreme irritability or irrational rage. It’s about as close as I’ve gotten to feeling stable. It doesn’t do much for depression, but we’re kind of at a crossroads with that since most antidepressants have caused me to go into a manic state shortly thereafter.

My therapist doesn’t seem convinced that I’m bipolar. To be honest, the label doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change what I’m experiencing, but I agreed to sign a disclosure agreement so that she could talk to my psychiatrist and possibly understand what he had defined as bipolar because she perhaps didn’t see it. After signing the agreement, I felt a little frustrated with my therapist. She questions now whether or not I’m bipolar, but I suspect that it’s because I’m doing well on Lamictal, so sometimes I wonder if all the extremes over the past year have downplayed themselves.

I might probe into our next session, but I don’t know yet. Another day. Another time.