That’s a Cute Top

There are a lot of sounds tonight,
mostly within my head.
I hear him, I see him,
and he feels so close that I could hold him.
This is perhaps a rush of nostalgia.
Let me think…
                                            …junior high…high school…summer before college…
Six years since I was there. Six years without my best friend.
Then I saw him once four years ago,
before I left for Charleston.
I didn’t know what to say, but it was okay because he chattered on
tellng me all about me.
Saying what he remembered, how he had loved me.
I could just sit there, trying not to burst into tears
at the rush of emotions I felt.
I went there thinking I could make peace,
also pulled by the spontaneous string burrowed into my spine,
and left realizing I was just as upset as the last day I saw him.

Since then, it had been radio silence.
No contact. No letters. Nothing.
He was gone. What I did caused his absence.

So I did what I thought was best and shut myself up.
I seperated what I thought from what I felt- or thought I felt-
so that now I can’t get angry without crying.
I can’t talk about personal issues without a rush of adrenaline
and tears
                      always tears, no matter what I do, what the subject is.

So should I keep the noises
or retreat?

I don’t know and I don’t care.
I know something is different,
due to the slow movements within,
but I will wait and see
rather than running in every direction.
I will sit in this labyrinth holding my string,
held in that moment of decison;
a memory of the past trapped inside a crystal waiting for you

                                                                                          just you.