oh boy

Yanno, you’d think I’d be able to take better care of myself and have better control of my emotions. but I feel like I’ve been one step away from distaster for a long time now. and it’s really frustrating to me because I don’t want to keep stressing my friends. which leaves me stuck either not talking about it, and keeping it inside, or talking about it and risking annoying frustrating my friends because there isn’t much anyone can do about it except be supportive and to not be afraid to demonstrate that.

oh well. I guess saying it here is better than saying it no where. maybe it’ll make more sense to me in time. but for now i’m sleeping less every night. eating less, tonight I am making some cup-o-soup for my breakfast. that’s just flat out wrong.

I was thinking, and I realized that I have a lot things going for me. I have friends whom are supportive and paitent with me. I have someone that loves me, and is even willing to drive hundreds of miles just to hang out with widdle ole me *chuckles*

I know many of my friends love me as well. and I am always grateful for that love. it’s all of you that keep me going, and for those people who have gotten frustrated with me recently (and I suspect there’s a number of you). I am trying, and I am doing the best I can, which is all I can do. and things will get better. even if it might take a little while.

I’d consider going to a psych. but I’m really hesitant about getting stuck on some sort of drug again. I hate the deadened feeling you get from being drugged up. though, if things do get worse, it’s going to become an option at least for a little while. I’ve been off them for so long now, I don’t want to have to be back on them. but I also know if I got off them once, I can do it again.

anyway, fear not, I have many projects to do, Become a grandmaster at chess (you think I’m joking?? don’t because I will get there…) write my books, take care of my friends and take care of myself well enough to be there for the people that DESERVE to have me around.

Maybe I should consider more carefully who deserves to be around me and who doesn’t. but not right now, I just need to get things workin again.