Today is day 5

I wrote this on Thursday and haven’t had a chance topost it yet.

Written May 12, 2005

Many people over the last couple of years have asked how I have learned to deal with my arms.Truth be told, I haven’t. I never really came to terms with where I was and what it had done to me.

I knew there were people who were worse off than me, so I always convinced myself that I could still do anything I want because I could do more than them. That was one lie.

I knew that with the right amount of excerise and stretching, the pain I was feeling right at that moment would go away. As long as I remembered that I could stretch later, I wouldn’t have to stop. Most of the time I would forget to stretch later, yell at myself for doing so, and then say “I’ll do it next time.” That was three lies.

I knew that if things got really, really bad I could just not do something the next day. Perhaps I would put off taking that shower because my arm was too sore. Or maybe I would only play the piano for 1 hour instead of 2. I could still do whatever I wanted, I would just “give up” something tomorrow. That was four lies.

I knew that as long as I hid it, no one would see. If I lightly cleaned up or if I just tied my show around the corner, nobody would notice that my hand wasn’t closing or that my arm twitched. If I just cried in my room after school no one would know I was in pain. That was six lies.

I knew that as long as I ignored it, it would go away. I could still use the computer, just less. I could still play the bass, just less. I could still pour my heart out into my journal, just less. That was the biggest lie.

It’s been almost two years and now, as I look for support groups and start searching for a career I have come face to face with myself. I have radial tunnel. I have a pinch nerve in each of arms right above the elbows. In some circles, that makes me legally disabled, because I can qualify for support in school as well as eqiupment.

At the age of 19, I have started to come to terms with my won restictions and mortality. It’s taken a lot of me. Bit by bit and slowly, I have come. I have to learn that I only have so much in me per day. I can only do so much. More is just going to hurt in the long run.

Today I start again. Today is day 1.