short, quick….opps

If I wasn’t so tired I’d write a nice, comfy entry. That’s the kind of mood I’m in. I thank lemur for that one. His writing tend to be put me there.

But I should be sleeping. Day one of two where I could get good sleep and I’m on the computer. Old habits…

There are some people that wonder “what if.” Ben’s entry, still fresh in my cranium, spoke of just that quality. “What if I had gone with that chick?'” I never really had that what if. Ok, more of a reverse I suppose. Almost all my life was full of “what if’s” relationship wise.

I never really went for people. I had such low boy/girl self esteem that that department stayed pretty dead until about two years ago. I was confident about just about anything else. Sports, random tv knowledge, school, but the whole “he’s cute I want him thing” was pretty much a blip on the screen.

I suppose I was more of the punch and run type. A fine plan in grades school, it kind of fails once your taking double credit classes in school. Most of the people I had a crush on were smart (almost all of them were in gifted classes with me) and I mostly figured they’d go for the lesser chics. Perhaps there is one….

Middle school was the first time that I felt…belonged. Orchestra made me feel geeky but being in PC was this nifty thing. For three hours of each day I was in classes of only 12 people. It rocked! Now mind you 6th grade english was basically just a two hour block of free time, but would you have complained? What little I remember of that year, most of it was spent with the four guys in the group.

I didn’t really connect with any of the girls in PC. So I tried to fit in with the guys. Of course, 6th grade boys want nothing to do with a girl. Eventully, they got used to me I suppose. Joel kind of had to. I had 4 out of my 7 hours with him.

Joel and I became good friends. Sometime around 8th grade or so I finally admitted to liking him, but he had just come to realize that his best friend actually was girl and I wasn’t going to go near that power plant. Then I moved away and he fell for my oldest friend. I went over to her place to visit a couple of times, but he’d come by and things were just awkward.

We kept in touch and he came to my 16th bday party. We started hanging out some more and now we see each other about once every couple of months. He’s been there for just about every major change in my life. Except my bat mitzvah which I will never let him forget. He was kind of the one person I wanted to be there the most. *shurg*

Today, I don’t think I would trade what we have. We click so well. Sometimes I wonder what if and I know he does too. I think going to Senior Prom together was kind of apropos, all things considered. The mesh was complete. He’ll be there through all the stuff, no matter how far apart the road map says we are.

I suppose he could be the one that got away, but he’s also the one I kept.