Comparisons

The other night I was with my bf at his house for dinner. He invited his best friend up. I am a chatty relatable person, and I get along with everybody. His best friend was no different, and we had a lot in common. We were all in the kitchen, bf is puttering away making dinner, and best friend and I are chatting and everything is great. I only had one flash of dread type of moment, thinking omg as soon as the best friend leaves I’m going to be in big shit because he’ll be jealous or accuse me of something ridiculous. I powered through the Not Normal, and it was a great night.

After best friend left, we’re playing cards, and bf starts saying that he really appreciates that I get along with his bestie so much, and that he had a fantastic evening, and it’s important to him that I can be friends with the important people in his life.

I nearly burst into tears. I held it together though and said normal things like that his friends are nice people and easy to get along with, and that I appreciated he told me that.

But to be honest, I wanted to hug him and explain to him how much these normal things mean to me. How opposite he is to what I am used to. But also how absolutely devastated I feel when he does normal things because I accepted things so far from normal for so long; and also how terrified I am to fuck up normal because it’s scary and new. I didn’t though, because I liked our fun normal night, and sometimes that’s just as cathartic as sharing.

That’s a big part I am only just starting to address though. Normal vs. Crazy. I don’t know why or how, but I have always been drawn to toxic relationships – not just my X I escaped, but before too (just without the physical side). It really makes me question myself and not trust myself to know what’s right vs. what’s wrong. I am still learning, and I will make mistakes. Like for example, starting a relationship again not realizing how Not Okay I really am. He knows about it all, but as I’ve told him – it’s not his responsibility to fix me. Just be patient.

Maybe it’ll work out, maybe it won’t. But I am enjoying every minute of learning what normal is supposed to feel like.