Venting

3am. Should be sleeping. Like most nights Im still up. Cant sleep anymore at night. I dont know. Maybe its because Im utterly depressed living here.

Jess got his first shot of Lupron today. It targets the bone cancer and fights it. One shot is so strong they can only give it once every four months. He seems to be doing fine on it. Of course Chris said today if the shots dont work and his dad starts dying I can go back to San Diego. No way would I leave him after all this. For better or for worse. I havent taken those vows yet, but I intend too, and that includes everything. Im not going to leave and wait for him in San Diego. Id rather live here and be semi happy with him, than move back and be miserable without him. 

Chris and I talked about when to move back to San Diego. Its been really bugging me that he wont talk about the future. He wont. At least he wont about the important things. Today he comes in and starts rambling about an idea he got while peeing. My babe the genius pee-er. it was about when we get back to San Diego and what he was gonna do with the tv and computer or something. I asked him why he’ll talk about the little things for the future and not the bigger things, like a life plan. You know what he says? Well we dont have to plan for the little things. I just sat there and gave him a well duh look. I told him, Chris thats exactly why we need to start looking a the bigger future, instead of living by the minute. I think he got the point. Chris brought up school today while we were cuddling. He says I can go first, and then he’ll go to a trade school and been done in three weeks to two months. But now that im thinking about it that doesnt make any sense. Chris should go to school first and get his done in the two months, and then he can make more while I go to school. My dad went to trade school and made 25 dollars an hour, and he worked tons of overtime.

Maybe I will give up on trying not to follow my moms footsteps and pick up the boring life of numbers. I could go to school and work for her while im schooling. She owns her own business and would be flexiable to my schooling, and now that our relationship is getting stronger I think I could be adult enough to work and live with her while I go to school. I know I can get a good wage because while math isnt my strong suit, money is. Her business is accounting and bookkeeping and most things are done automatically on the computer. She also pays fair. it might be nice to help out my mom and laern about what she does. Who knows i might end up liking it. I certainly cant find any sort of career I want to have as of now. Noting comes to mind, nothing excites me. I guess I gotta stop hoping for a job I love and settle for one that I hate but pays well. Im scared of failing school. I hate homework and Im just nervous about it. But in order to have a good life I need to go. Im just glad my fiancee stands by me through anything, and supports me.