Motherhood

Sandra bought me some shampoo the other week. It was just a passing by, oh Heather likes this shampoo and needs some! It was a really sweet thought. Unfortunately she bought Pantiene Pro V, which is right, but she bought it in full/thick for thin/thinning hair, with 35% more fullness. Uh…I have thick hair. I do not need more thickness. But I can tell you it works. So good. Which is bad for me. The start of a hot summer, with almost waist long hair and thick(now with 35% more fullness)? Which brings me back to the point I’m making. She totally pulled a mom move on me. She bought me something like she raised me. It touches me. She’s old and trying to show she cares, its weird but sweet. I do appreciate it so much. She really does show me a good example of a caring mom. Something I desperately need. The mom not the shampoo. Although I guess technically I did need the shampoo.

I guess that brings me back to why I’m so determined to not be like my mom as a mom. I’m so scared that I will turn into this woman that I desperately hated as a girl. I grew up filled with resentment and little understanding. The feeling in the house was always anger, and when you grow up with that you tend to know no difference. I’ve never felt apart of my family. Black sheep reversed I guess. My mom, dad, and sister are all shy, intoverted. I’m a party/people person. My personality is loud, I’m loud, I have voiced opinions. My mom was the agressor and my dad the silent watcher, only stepping in when things got too out of control. Then he would have to battle the wrath of mom hisself. She didn’t drink, or do drugs. Sober and no problem hitting us black and blue. She wasn’t above throwing things, and using metal spoons on our legs and ass. It’s what I grew up to know. I think my teenager years were the hardest for me.

As a child I am the youngest of two. My sister is 4 years older than me. I’ve heard I’ve been a bitch since I was born. Mom has even told me before. How she had morning sickness throughout her pregnancy with me, and she should have known I was going to be trouble for her. Mom told me how I used to pull on my sister’s hair until they literally had to pry it from my fingers. I felt alone though. All my life my sister had the focus around her. She was born  breech, and has severe A.D.D., but not the kind that they just random dianose these days to "problem children". The real A.D.D. In fact they almost held her back in the second grade for a learning disablity which is how she was diagnosed. My mom had to fight with the school system her entire time in elementary school, for her rights as A.D.D. Turns out my sister is a freakin genius. Her I.Q. is 140. Never would know it.  But in our childhood she had all the focus from ym parents on her. When your a child and the disease is never explained to you, you don’t understand why Sherry gets special attention all the time. I realize now, and came into on my own as a grew up, that she needed it. She was so doped up on ritalin which only made it worse. She quit taking them when she turned 18, and is so much better off. She is special, and I love her. I think I realized it when I was 14 and boy crazy, that Sherry was now 17 and getting her first crush ever on a guy. EVER. And it was a guy on TV.

So I grew up with this resentment towards Sherry and my parents for a long time about that. No one ever bothered to explain to me why she needed the specail attention, just that she did because she had A.D.D. My mom worked a really high stress job. She would be gone since before we left for school at 6a.m. and she would come home at 8p.m. sometimes, most times not til 9pm. Always tired and angry, screaming and yelling, and hitting. When we got older she quit that job and work a few years at H&R Block, before disagreeing with their work ethic, and ventured out to start her own business. Her stress level was way down, since she worked from home, but the anger didn’t stop, or even slow down. It was always not good enough, or done wrong.

Then the teenage years. Hormonal, angry, and bitter, filled with resentment and just a touch of bitch. I was ready to be a grown up, I was soo pissed. The world owes me a quarter type attitude. And home life didn’t help. I turned to drugs, first pot, then meth. My main choice was meth, but I did try a few other things like cociane, herorin once, and pcp laced weed. That lead me down a two year crazy path of drug binging, drinking, sex, and shady night activity.

And after I got clean I went to church. Partly to find myself. Mostly to find myself, who I was, without the drugs. I was so lost, my soul had been sucked from my body. I couldn’t remember what a smiled looked like coming from my lips. I mostly went for myself. But the other part was to get away from Mom. I had two days a week, 2 hours a day, away from here. But when I found God, I wanted to share that, and we had started reconnecting. So I convinced my mom to go to church, and she found God. And then she started with the citizing again. Only using God as a way to do it. What would the pastors think of that? I slowly stopped going, since she had started going regularly. I had also been finding that I didn’t like the atmosphere of the youth group.

Me and my mom don’t talk anymore. The last time I saw her was at my wedding, which she threw an absolute fit and disowned me yet again. But I will not apoligize for nothing. There was nothing for her to be mad about, and I’m not saying sorry. I always say sorry, but this was MY day, and I’m standing my ground.

I’m not the only one who’s scared of her. They had a small group of friends that my mom has screamed at until they stopped the friendships. They now have NO friends. My dad’s parents are terrified of her anger. His whole family is. 5 siblings and they are all scared of her. She has berated, belittled, and cussed out everyone in my family. She stopped speaking to her own parents at the young age of 18. My dad took us to see them each week until I was nine and grandpa died. He had to drag my mom to the funeral for her father’s death. I found out this year that the state informed mom that her mom had died. I never knew them. I don’t want that to be my kids future. Chris wants her to have nothing to do with my mom, but I don’t want our kids resenting us for that. My mom said the same thing about her parents. I don’t want you seeing them, they are bad people. If my kids are going to learn that, they will learn it on their own. I never want my kids to feel I held them back from anything.

That’s why I love Sandra. My mom was rude to them, and they still say, she’s your mom, and sh’es not good at it, but forgive her. And I have, because I pity her now, its not hate. I pity the fact that her heart is so black and empty, void of caring and love. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I just don’t wanna be like her. Sandra, is filled with love. You can sense it. The house is filled with love and warmth. And its not

just the house, or the way its decorated. Its the people. I’m so lucky I found someone with good family values. Even the biggest screw up’s in the family are forgiven. My mom would have probably disowned everyone by now. When I do become a mom, I’m glad I’ll have a good example to follow, to break the chain.

All this over shampoo.