Entry 1- Blind Burial Diary

I’ve had too many attempts these past few weeks. I keep fucking up somehow. My mom walked in. It wasn’t deep enough. I cried so hard I couldn’t do it. There are a few people I would like to say this to, not that I ever would.

 I hope I don’t ever see you again. If I wake up, god I hope not, I hope it’s you who is gone. 

I’m older now and it’s still crazy. It is still crazy that I still think this way, but there’s nothing to really look forward to in this world. Nothing. I don’t have a great GPA or any impressive talent. I can barely cook. I can barely play an instrument anymore. I can’t write. I can’t do anything remarkable. It’s like I’ve wasted my whole life already. There’s nothing that motivates me for the future. The world is dying and so am I. There’s no hope. I just feel empty. I don’t have motivation for anything. Now that I’ve finished school, there is nothing more to accomplish. It all ends the same. I will work relentlessly for money and live my life check by check. I don’t want that life. But there’s no way for me to change that. I’ve looked at colleges and they really care about grades. College was my hope to be better. But I can barely get accepted to a community college. Mental health doesn’t matter to anyone. Not when you give up completely in every mundane task. I really don’t have any hope. No motivation.

 “It’s a process.” “It takes time.” “You have to put in more effort.” 

Why? Why am I so fucking unlucky that I have to try so hard for something so simple as feeling good. I’ve given up in so many ways. I’ve been so moody lately trying to get a rise out of my mother. I want to feel something. Even if its anger. But then I give up. I give up because reactions are useless. I won’t be seen anyways. I don’t need an explanation. I don’t need to get my side of the story out. I no longer expect anyone to understand me. I won’t chase someone for understanding. I give up. I can’t count on anyone. Im alone. I’m by myself. I say stop, but why? it’s like feeling like this is wrong. Maybe it is. But why do I feel it. Is it because Im wrong? I’m a bad person? Is that why I feel bad all the time?