Coping

Almost four months since you were suddenly taken from my life…and i still miss you a million times a day.

I guess i really must believe that you’re not coming back now…mostly.  I still wake up sometimes and wonder where you are before i remember.  About a month ago i just HAD to throw away your shoes that you’d taken off at the back door the day before you died.  Strange…it was comforting for me to see them there before that, like i was going to look out one day and see you putting them on, like so many times before.  Strange, the things that i’ve done that with…i didn’t want your watch touched or moved…and suddenly i’d see it and the thought that you weren’t coming back to pull it around your wrist as you headed out the door, as your routine was, was just too much to bear.  And…poor Kim and Anthony are going through similar things.  I saw it so plainly last weekend as the kids hunted eggs, but Papa wasn’t there to pick at them and keep a smile on our faces.  I was numb.  And silly me hadn’t seen it coming.

The process is full of ups and downs.  Occasionally, i’ll find something like the doctor’s receipt you’d kept in your files that you’d written on, something to the effect that you would take responsibilty for dusting the shelves whenever they needed dusting and signed your name.  It made me smile so big!!  Only you were goofy enough to do something like that because i didn’t want the shelves where they’d be facing straight ahead when you walk in the door because i don’t like to dust and i’d (rightly) guessed they’d become a "catch all".  But…they’re sitting exactly where you wanted them…and i don’t think you dusted them even once!!

But…i knew you wouldn’t.  But it seemed like such a small thing that made you so happy!  You always were goofy like that!!  Just like our Bailey’s turning out to be!!

I’m still laid off from work…which is good and bad. I’ve at least been blessed with the time to being used to being alone.  And you know me, Babe, i don’t mind so much being alone.  But…i miss being with you…some days so bad that i can hardly stand it.

But…i wasn’t given a choice.  And neither were you.

But…i was given the gift of us being together again, if only for 14 months.  That was such an incredibly special…comforting…once in a lifetime bond.  I can remember different times that one or the other of us would just stop what we were doing and look at each other with teary eyes…and such appreciation that we were even in the same room together…much less remarried!! 

I know i’ll never find another "you" who’ll make me laugh, support my dreams and wishes, love me with all their heart.

And i wouldn’t bring you back here if i could.  You’re perfect, in God’s likeness…pain free…and satisfied.  And i couldn’t ask for anything more for someone that i love so much.

I’m thankful for the gifts we were given together…for the comforting words that those who were around you when we were apart, then together again…they tell me that you were sooooo happy!!!

Me, too, Babe.  Me, too.