…and so it goes

yes…i’ve been hiding.  mostly from myself and the fears and lonliness and sense of loss that i have so often and of course, couldn’t come here without owning up to.  but…nobody ever said it’d be easy, did they?

yesterday was six months.  can’t seem to get him and the shock of it all out of my mind for very long.  things that we’d talked about doing in the future come flooding back to me at the oddest– and most inconvenient times.

yesterday i got asked out on my first date.  i said yes…because i didn’t know what else to say.  i’m not really hyped about it, tho.  and everyone keeps telling me to get out and have fun and blah, blah, blah.  i do!  but…i dang sure don’t need a guy at this moment to do it.

i messed up and emailed buddy two or three weeks ago.  things are getting wayyyy too deep, even tho i’ve only seen him once.  he called and we talked last night for a bit.  a couple hours later, he called saying that i was ruining his night because he couldn’t stop thinking about me.  as i told him…i didn’t do anything!!  not my fault.  he emailed me today and told me he was missin me.  sooo…i’ve finally seen it for myself that the worse you treat them, the more they cling to ya (a challange, maybe?  don’t know).  doesn’t much matter tho.

and….of course…the one i think i really want is available…but pretty much unattainable.  he’s sweet and hot and funny as ever but keeps himself at a distance.  tells me i need to eat.  that’s mike, from the divorced days.

and that’s the way it goes…so i wander around here, trying to find things that i know are here but they’re wherever jim put them and i think about him…and i laugh because he was soooo silly…and i cry…because i miss him so much.  one day, i’ll set a framed picture out because it makes me smile and two days– or two minutes!– later, i’ll stick it in a drawer because it’s just too painful to look at.

God’s given me the grace to carry on.  and a bunch of happy, sweet memories.

love ya’ll!!!!  thanks for all your support…and hope to be back here with ya SOON!!!!