you’ve lied so much you think it’s true

OK, ok – I skipped a day. But yesterday was weird and all I wanted to do last night was go to bed. I went to church in the morning, but I couldn’t bring myself to go into the sanctuary. I did after the service was over, but only really to see Mr. J in the balcony about my recommendation letter. Paul came up to find me and say hi. He asked about my tests and life. I didn’t tell him about CK. No one was supposed to know about it yet. It reminded me of McN and having to lie to my friends, my best friends about something I knew. I didn’t really lie to Paul, but it still felt wrong. I hated doing it. I want to call him now and tell him everything, but its a lot to throw at him. I don’t want to bury him with issues this soon. After church it was a waiting game basically. Dad went to the consistory meeting to tell them about CK, then there was a staff meeting to tell the staff. The pastor and his wife came over after that to have dinner and debrief a little bit. It was good, but still very stressful. My mother called Cassie to advise her that CK should not go to work tomorrow. CK is a jr. high teacher in a local school. My dad said that if the school found out he was using drugs, he’d be fired (there’s legal jargon, but thats the jist). My mom and Betsy wanted him to go to his union rep, and hopefully be able to save his job while getting treatment. Cassie said she’d tell him.

TODAY – School in the morning with the wicked and evil English 2/3’s term. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, and its over now. Macro was good. I worry too much about Macro. I read the book and study and try to do the study guide, but it somehow eludes me. After class today, I actually understand what they were talking about in the book. Some of the kids in my macro class and I are going to have a study session sometime this week. I’m looking forward to it, but its something else on my plate this week. I did well on my Hawthorne paper which felt good. I’m playing the service next week, so I started really picking out my music and ate lunch before picking up Eleana. The afternoon was spent practicing (audition in one week and five days as Megan reminded me) and talking to various people. I was offered by my parents to Sue (bell parent) to be willing to talk to her daughter about Charles, if she needed it. I called Sue to give her my cell number and reiterate my parents’ offer. I also told her to tell the other bell parents that I’m around to talk with their kids as well. Mary called me to see if I would run the adult bell choir tonight. They are supposed to play in church on Thanksgiving Sunday, so it was a problem that needed to be solved right away. I cooked dinner for my parents and then went to church to prep for the rehearsal. At the same time, the bell parents were having a meeting with Keith and some of the staff about the event.

Tonight was the opening of the flood gate. Some of the bell parents have children who go to school with CK. The kids themselves will be told and word will eventually reach the administration and something will have to be done, which is why my mom wanted CK to step forward first and maybe save his job. Cassie came into the office while I was prepping for the rehearsal to say hi. Keith came in a few minutes later and asked Cassie how CK was doing. I wasn’t evesdropping because I was standing in the office, basically trapped when Cassie answered. Her answer angered me and has changed things for me. At first, I was glad that CK was admitting he had a problem and willing to get help. But he went to school today and taught in the classroom. He talked to someone at the school and then went to the principal. He told the principal that there was some problems at church and he stepped down from his position. He said there was a health issue, but it was not affecting his teaching and he was dealing with it. Is he serious? He’s been addicted to cocaine for 2 and 1/2 years and he’s calling it a health issue? He stole thousands and thousands of dollars from our church. Whats to say that he didn’t steal money from the school as well? He’s been caught with his handin the cookie jar and he’s still denying it. I’m angry and I’m tired, and that wasn’t the end of the night.

The adult bell choir still had to be told, and then I had to run a rehearsal. I had no idea what he had planned or where his director books were, so I was running in blind. Thankfully, they are adults and were supportive of me. After rehearsal, everyone was just tired and worn out. It was especially telling on those people who have known for a longer period of time. I organized my things and got ready to leave. I spoke with Mary and I am going to direct the adult choir through Thanksgiving and probably Christmas. Its something that can be done and decided about, which I know Mary was glad to have finished. I walked out with Tina and she told me something that is starting to really upset me. Her sister, Cindy, was down visiting around the time of KP’s wedding. Cindy was hanging out with Scott, who told her that he needed to go to CK’s to pick up music for KP’s wedidng. They went to CK’s, but Scott didn’t get music; he got cocaine. Cindy was upset and eventually told Tina who confronted CK. He basically denied the whole thing and told her to butt out. I know she feels bad that she didn’t tell someone at that point what she knew. After she told me, I remember hearing whispers of Tina being mad at CK for supposedly dealing drugs. But it was rumors and I didn’t want to believe that CK was doing such a thing. Tina confided this in me because…..honestly I don’t know why. But now I realize how deep this goes. If Scott is involved, how many other ringers are involved in what happened? Brian was a ringer who after graduation got into some deep trouble with drugs. Did CK have anything to do with that? How many other people knew something and didn’t say anything? It feels more and more like I’m reliving McN, or at least the emotions and auras of it.

I remember the velocity that the McN thing went at once the news broke. But that was broken in the newspaper, and this is only within our church. The word will be spread fast though. I got home from rehearsal around 10 and was talking with my mom when Justin called. He said he got a strange IM from an old friend from high school saying that something happened with CK, something about drugs and money. Its like the fall-out is already starting. I “paused” him and got back to him after my mom and I finished talking. I almost forgot that although the actual news is hard to take, the fall-out is even worse. The rumors will start and the spinning with begin. The “I knew” discussions and everything else that goes along with the fall out.

This is just the beginning.

You, I trusted your intentions
the trust you took advantage of now
you are sitting in the hole that
you dug around yourself.

You’ve lied so much you think it’s true
Do you know what the truth is?
How does someone get to be like you?
The king of all excuses?

Is she your partner in deception caught inside the web you have spun?
Did you forget you have a family, the damage you have done?

You’ve lied so much you think it’s true
Do you know what the truth is?
How does someone get to be like you