you’re my reason for breathing

I’ve been rereading old entries about when Mike and I went to cabin. I probably should have called him last night instead of being all weird and yech. But he had told me once that if I needed him to call day or night. I really should have. Cause I think he would have been there for me. Even blown off his friend. But I forget stuff like that and I don’t want to bug him. But I seriously felt like I had no one last night. Kim’s line was busy, Kaba wasn’t around, Brian wasn’t around, Manny was being Manny and I didn’t even have a call to go out with Santero. Although Ryan and Justin might have agreed to go out and pick me up. And I didn’t really want to call Megan cause I wanted to actually be with someone not just talk on the phone. I needed to escape and just put my mind somewhere else. I want pool tonight. Just go bash the balls around the table. I hope Kaba will be around and want to go. I don’t even really want to talk. Just play. I guess I miss that with Heather. She and I could just play and let go. No words. This is when I wish I had a car, cause I would so go by myself. Maybe I’ll see if Kim wants to go but I know she’ll want to talk and I need to help her figure out whats up with her and John. My advice is not going to be heeded because ‘they are in love.’ And she’s kind of right because I have my first around and she doesn’t. But she was and still in love with him and vice versa. Mike and I may be close but we are far from being in love. She just sometimes follows her emotions a little too much. I’m starting to find the balance between following your heart and being realistic. I just wish I could show them. I mean she and John are both in long-term relationships. With people who adore them. And Kim is moving to Washington. The state, not the district. All the way across the country. They are really just not being realistic. Granted I’m one to talk, but I’m starting to find that balance and I really want them to see it. I also don’t want John to cheat on Jill (he’s already done it once) and I don’t want Kim to cheat on Brian cause I love Bri. He’s a sweetheart and he doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. I also don’t think John takes into consideration what Kim has done in the past. I love her dearly don’t get me wrong, but she has made some big mistakes. When John was away, Kimmy liked to play. Now she and Brian have never really been seperated like that. So she hasn’t had the chance to do that with him. But who and what is to say that she won’t do that when she goes to school? She’s done it once. And she unfortunately doesn’t always realize what she’s doing. ARG! They just make me frustrated and right now I need to figure out me first before trying to fix everyone else.

Which is why I need the pool tonight without really talking about anything. GRADERGARF! I guess more than anything else I need to talk to Mike. And sort this all out with him. Cause it involves him too much to figure it out without him. But I hate doing it over the phone. I’d rather he was here. But knowing us, we would end up with a quickie in the backseat or something ridiculous like that. So maybe the phone is the best idea. But my reed knife is floating there in my head. Not a good thing. I should let him be there for me, but I’m not going to force him to if he doesn’t want to.

But I really am not looking forward to telling him about Ricky. He might already know, but still thats gonna suck.