your lack of something to say

"I only want you to be happy."

What a crock.  Its what you’re supposed to say.  Loving them enough to let them go.  What a load of pillow feathers.  "I only want to be with you, but if not being with me makes you happy, I’ll take the high road and let you go."  That’s what you should say.  I’d fight tooth and nail to have him.  To belong to him.  Scream, cry, laugh, smile, destroy things, build things.  I don’t care.  I’d do it if it meant I could have him at the end of it.  Let’s be realistic.  I don’t want him to be happy unless he’s happy with me.  I absolutely do not want him going off and being with anyone else.  I’m not sure who invented this "I only want you to be happy" line, but its really a loaf of Wonder bread.  Full of hot air.

This is why trying to keep a strong face going when your heart’s been crushed is so difficult.  I don’t want him to find true love.  I don’t want him to be happy.  I want him to regret leaving me.  I want him to think back and say "If only…"  I do not want him happy.

Okay, that’s not completely true.  I do want him to be happy.  But that’s not the only thing I want for him.  I want him to be happy with me.  I want him to want me, and constantly wonder if he missed out on a good thing, perhaps the perfect thing.  But spewing that line is crap and I’m so sick of hearing it.  For once, I want to hear someone fight for it all.  I want someone to refuse to accept that is all they have left.

This is why it is so hard for me to just stand casually by when I want more from someone.  Friendship isn’t always enough.  Sometimes you just can’t stand to be just friends.  There needs to be something more or nothing at all.  All Or Nothing At All.  That was a pop song once that I pretended to understand, but now I really do get it.  It hurts too much to be so close to someone and yet not be able to be with them.

So you try to walk away, make a classy exit before your breaking heart appears all over your face.  But they insist on remaining friends.  They won’t settle for letting you go.  They still want you, as a friend.  It would hurt them if you left.  So somehow you stay, even though each passing moment is torture.

Why are you willing to sacrifice so much?  "I only want you to be happy."  The truth is you don’t want them to be hurt.  And so even though your heart is slowing bleeding out, you stay nearby.  A smile frozen on your face and Area 51 guards around your heart.  Until you can’t feel your face and your heart is so hidden, not even you can locate it anymore.

Now you’re somehow permanently linked.  Forever joined in some idiotic link that you can’t seem to sever without hurting someone.  What are you going to do?  You can’t move forward, yet you can’t stay here either.  Going back is no longer an option.  So what is left to do?  You’ve got to sever that link.

What have they ever done for you?  They broke your heart.  Destroyed you in every sense possible.  But rather than allow you to slink off and recover from such a devastating blow, they’ve held you chained here.  They are completely unaware of what is actually going on.  If they had any feelings for you, they would have let you go a long time ago and suffered through their own pain.  Instead they remained selfish, and kept you close, not seeing the pain they inflict by their mere existance.  So why are you still here exactly?  Why can you not just break the link and walk away?

Well, if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t be in this position, now would I?

As high as the moon
So high were my spirits 
When you sang out my name

And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today

But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

In the days of my folly
I followed your lead
I did what Simon Said to do

But I won’t let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I’m on my way somewhere new

And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

So don’t keep me up till the dawn
With words that’ll keep leading me on
I know much better than to wait for an answer from you

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

Kindly Unspoken ~ Kate Voegele