You say i was so grim

Grrrrrr!!!!!

All my friends are just royally pissing me off these past few days. I wonder if its cause its that time of the month or what it is. Shall we start at the top of the list? Destiny is cool and all but she obesseses way too easily. Everytime I hang out with her all I hear is I want to meet Russ and I want to meet John. Kaba is right all she talks about is guys! Manny is getting on my nerves because he’s being Manny. Last night we watched All the Real Girls. Good movie. Different but cool. I liked it. Made me think too much. Not one of my top 10 favorites but a really cool movie. I think Russ did hype it up too much. After the movie we went for a walk. And he was trying to get me to tell him what was wrong. I didn’t want to talk about it. He says I can’t hide when things are bothering me. Thats because when he knows something is bothering me HE doesn’t let go of it. He badgers me to get it out of me. Usually along with the line You’ll tell me when you are ready. Maybe I don’t want to tell him. Maybe I just want to hang out and not talk about it and not obsess over it and him not letting it go doesn’t help me let it go! And so I told him I was thinking about Tim again and he was like I think its because you just miss having what you had with Tim. And thats true. Its part of the reason. But its not all of the reason. And I know that. I just don’t know what the other reason is and I’m sick of hearing everyone tell me to just get over it. Damn it I’m trying and people trying to use logic and reason on me is just not helping. AT ALL! And so then Manny goes How much do you pay Jenny? So I told him and he was like I’m gonna quit art and going into therapy. GOD NO!! He doesn’t need to be messing up any more people. He does the same thing Lori did. Looks at the situation in itself. They didn’t apply things that happened to be outside of that situation. Which is what Jenny does. And she really really helps that way. Anyway I got pissed at Manny for saying something like that and I told him that was just wrong. And he said it was a joke and I told him not make that joke again. And he gave me this little sarcastic salute. Pissed the hell out of me. He is not all-knowing, fix-it man. I don’t even think he knows how much that pissed me off. He just laughs it off and its not funny. At that point, I just wanted him to go away. I didn’t want to talk about my problems and he did. MY PROBLEMS! Therefore if I don’t want to talk about them I don’t have to. I didn’t realize that before, but its not so much me obsessing over the problem. Its him forcing me to think about it until I can’t think about anything else. No wonder he thinks he can get me to talk to him. He pesters the shit out of me! Honestly, I’m not so sure I can stand doing this anymore. I just want him to go away and stop pushing himself into my life. He’s always forcing issues with me. I’d rather just have a nice freezing walk and talk about family and hear him talk about Emmy and friends and whatever. Why does everything have to be Manny’s Psychological Therapy Sessions for Kate?

And Danielle! She’s cool and all, but just a little too clingy sometimes. Another obsessor of boys. She wouldn’t let go of the Glen issue. Get over it! My God! And Brendan is kind of like Trevor and Casey in the fact that they don’t know when to quit. Just stop it and leave me alone. I don’t want to be picked and teased sometimes. And Tom is flirting with Kaba like crazy and ignoring me. I dunno whats up with him. Its not like I like him. But it seems like when shes not around he’ll come by me but if shes in the lounge he doesn’t even look twice at me. AND KABA! She’s not fake like Clint says, but I really wanted to talk to her today. And yesterday I wanted to go for a walk and talk. I didn’t want to sit in the lounge and do it there. Too many people. Yesterday she didn’t want to leave the lounge and then today she wouldn’t come with me to the cafeteria or walk me to my car and I really wanted to talk to her. She was too busy being lazy and letting Tom play with her. Yes that sounds wrong and I meant it to. I thought she understood that I just needed to talk to her, but obviously shes oblivious. And it pisses me off that I actually thought I could trust her to be there for me. I can’t trust people. Russ was even getting on my nerves. Kaba and Destiny went to go see him at work so he finally got to meet Destiny. So I went to talk to him today. And he really ripped into Dest. Thats not what I mind, cause she is annoying, but he was like blaming me for picking such a loser. She’s really not that bad. And when I suggested it I didn’t know her that well. I’m getting to know her and I agree with Russ, it would be a bad thing, but excuse me for actually trying. More than he’s ever fucking doing. And then Lange started in on me and I was like no, you bastard you are not a part of this. Lay off. Brian Douglas was cool though cause he and I were talking about LOTR and the Hobbit. But Bobby is an ass cause he tried to tell me that the Hobbit is already done. Peter Jackson just made the press release today that he was planning on doing it. He hasn’t filmed anything yet. Hasn’t started a damn thing. And Bobby is trying to tell him Jackson’s lying because he already saw a trailer. I’m like loser boy its not Peter Jackson’s then. I think another guy was gonna do it. And Bobby’s all pissed at me now, but I really don’t care.

And all this boils down to is all my friends are dickwads and I don’t want to hang out with any of them. But I want to do something or something… And I just want Heather to come home. I realized last night walking with Manny that I wished it was Heather instead of Manny. And everyone is yelling at me for smoking. FUCK OFF!!! I know its bad for me. I know I shouldn’t do it. But that doesn’t help. I’m really stressed out and flipping out and its the only thing that will calm me down for a little while. I can’t go to the bar and drink. I can’t even run to the store and buy Smirnoff to relax. But I’m old enough to buy cigarettes so I’m going to. Maybe once I’m 21 and can get some alcohol I’ll drink instead of smoke. Yah, that will be healthy. Instead of a smoker, I’ll be a drunk. Gee, I love my life.
I MISS MY HEATHER!!!!!!