you make me feel like I’m a whore

I remember feeling this way after my cousin’s wedding. I almost slept with a guy who was married. But I couldn’t because he was married. I couldn’t knowingly become the “other woman.” I walked out of the hotel room. Yet I was left feeling horrible. Maybe it was just because I wanted it, even though I left. I’m feeling the same way now. Mike came over and we were wrestling. He tried to kiss me and I turned my head away, twice. He didn’t make a big deal about it, so neither did I. Nothing else happened really. So why am I left feeling like this again? I didn’t do anything. I stopped anything from happening. They were both the ones who made the moves on me. They were both the ones at fault. So why do I feel so guilty? Its because I wanted it. I wanted to mess around Mike. I wanted to kiss him. But as far as I knew, he had a girlfriend and I wasn’t going there. It stops me everytime. Maybe it just means I didn’t want it enough. Who knows? I’ve been put in the position twice now to be the other woman and I’ve come out the other side. Its just not me to do that to another girl. Its like in my unwritten code of womanhood. “Thou shalt not mess around with fellow sister-girl’s man.” But I know girls who have broken that rule and crossed that line. I don’t think less of them, but I honestly can’t relate to it. It’s always stopped me. And yet, I still feel guilty. Why am I left with this guilt to carry and bear? I didn’t do anything wrong. Or did I? Just by wanting that kiss, did I cross the line? Just by being close enough to getting that kiss, did I cross the line? I don’t know this girl from Eve, and I’m trying to protect her. I feel like I’m lying to her and hurting her. I’m honestly not convinced Melissa/Melinda exists, but thats a whole nother story.

Something else Megan said is rolling around in my head. She told me Jimmy wasn’ worth it because he was willing to cheat on his pregnant wife. He’s an asshole for doing it and not seeming to care. I shouldn’t care about him or think about him. But now that is applying to Mike. Now Mike is an asshole sometimes, but he has been a good friend to me. He’s been there for me through a lot of shit. We’ve never been exclusive with each other or anyone else while I’ve known him. (Unless, of course, he’s lied to me, which is a possibility, but I don’t think he has.) So its never been an issue of being the “other woman.” I don’t know what he’s like with a girlfriend, a serious girlfriend. Maybe he has a reputation for cheating on girlfriends and I just don’t know it.

None of that really matters cause I still feel like shit, and I’m pissed that he made me feel like shit.

I guess I like it when we play
(The way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you hate me
(The way you drag me down)
Cause I cant face myself in a mirror
(Im left alone with all my pain)
And I disgrace myself in the mirror
(Im left alone with my shame)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! Ill heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! Ill heal you in me

I guess I like it when we fight
(The way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you smite me
(The way you drag me down)
Cause I cant face myself in a mirror
(Im left alone with all my pain)
And I disgrace myself in the mirror
(Im left alone with my shame)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! Ill heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! Ill heal you in me

Youre out of luck – cant get a piece of me
Its all blown up. Dont even fuck with me.
I cannot please you all forever
I cannot please you at all
(I can feel you coming up behind me)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! Ill heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! Ill heal you in me

Fuck it ~ Seether

You make me feel like Im a whore
Like Im the one whos there to bore you now
Its always gonna be this way
Get the fuck away

Cause I cant seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
Im sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me

You always wanna steal the light
By stepping on the ones who fight for you
Its always gonna be the same
Get the fuck away

Cause I cant seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
Im sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me

I hate what you are
Ill break you and leave you scarred
I hate what you are
Ill break you and leave you scarred
I hate what you are

Cause I cant seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
Im sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me now

Into wanting me now
Into wanting me now
Into wanting me now
Into wanting me

Your Bore ~ Seether

Flaming Penguin

guilt is a powerful emotion… sometimes its there even tho we did nothing just because we know that we could have. I love those songs… fuck it is one of my faves.

DarkClouds

October 14, 2005

We can’t help what we feel, only what we do about it. Unfortunately, that means you can’t help feeling guilty, even when you shouldn’t. Just keep reminding yourself that you did the right thing, and were stronger than a lot of other people would have been in your situation. That’s something to be proud of. ~WEAVER

Shazar

No one evers warn about how hard it can be to make moral choices; surrender or resist, you’re left in turmoil. I’ve been in that position before and I’ve always had the thoughts of going through with it dance around my head. But in the long run, saying no, and doing your part to protect a lady you don’t even know is a higher ideal. In the grand scheme of life, it makes a difference. Much respect.