you gotta move on down the road

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Uther ~ Jack Whyte

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory

"She’s talking in circles.  She can’t seem to get off the topic.  I can’t do anything for her.  She knows it and I know it.  But still we sit there having the same conversation over and over.  Its a holding pattern, and I’m just really tired of it."

No, he wasn’t talking about me.  He was talking about his mother.  I can understand how frustrating it can be, talking to someone who is depressed and unhappy.  I’ve watched my friends hide their rolling eyes and their annoyance.  In fact, I’ve listened to him tell me to just get over it, move forward.  There’s nothing to do, so let it go.  Except its not that easy.  I know how annoyed and frustrated I get with myself when I fall into those holding patterns.  But that’s why I used to lock him out.  That’s why I don’t always call him when I’m losing my mind.  He’s better at nervous breakdowns and hard, fast intensity.  But this slow circling descent into hell – he’s completely lost.  I wish I could explain to him how good it is that she’s actually talking to him, to anyone.  I just shut down.  And this is why.  Because I know how annoying I am.  I know how stupid I sound.  I know how ridiculous everything is.  So I shut down and close everyone out.  The other person who watched me, letting me spin my inconsistencies was Newfie.  He didn’t care that I didn’t make sense.  He often followed my thought pattern so much more clearly than anyone.  "No," he would say.  "It doesn’t make sense.  But I understand it anyways."  He never gave up.  Never dismissed my fears, never dismissed me.  I don’t go looking for answers in those moods.  I know the answer.  But I need the logic proof.  Like in math…

Some people can accept that a2+b2=c2.  But until I understood the proof behind it, I could never remember that equation.  It didn’t really make sense to me.  I need to make the connections.  Sometimes my connections work a little differently, or start in a different place, or even go totally out of the way.  And when those connections break down, I need time and space to rebuild them.

"Why is life worth living?" used to be closely connected to Newfie.  I found my answer around and over and down and finally through Newfie.  So when he left, I had to re-create my whole thought process and replace the empty space with something different.  This is the holding pattern.  We see the beginning and an end, but can’t seem to find a way to make them match up.

He’s frustrated, and I can understand why.  But I’m annoyed at the same time because I want to rip his throat out.  This is the part of my bipolarism he never understood.  This is the part of my depression he never understood.  He claims to be so intelligent, so experienced, and yet he has no idea.  His mother is vocalizing so much more than I ever did, and I’m willing to bet there are things she’s keeping to herself as well.  He only ever saw the pieces of me I let him see.  I went through what his mother is doing.  I’m going through what his mother is doing.  But I know he doesn’t understand.  I know he doesn’t know how to fix this, how to make this better.  I know he only makes me feel worse.  Which is why I shut him out, and cut him out.  He did more damage to me than good.  If he helps her, thats so great.  He talks about clamping his mouth shut and forcing himself not to be short with her.  There is a part of me that screams, "Why couldn’t you do that with me?"  And there’s a part of me that prays he’s really doing things as well as he thinks he is.  He always thought he fixed the majority of my problems.  But he usually made them worse.  Which is part of why he and I will never work.  He doesn’t know how to deal with that part of this.  That holding pattern.  He sees the end of the movie, and so he sees the next step.  He doesn’t understand why I can’t take it.  But I can’t see it yet.  I’m stuck in my holding pattern.

I’m stuck in a holding pattern
High above the clouds
Waiting for the sky to clear
For the clouds to blow away
The tower comes over the radio
"Its safe to land. Come on down."
But I’m stuck in my holding pattern
High above the clouds

One step I make an imprint
Two steps it’s a commitment
Three steps I’m not done yet
Draw my other leg up and the pace is set

Gotta believe in what’s real
You gotta go with what you know
You can leave here with a good feeling
You let them know you told them so
Jesus Christ
And heaven’s always been there

Gotta believe in what’s real
You gotta go with what you know
One step I make an imprint
Two steps it’s a commitment
Three steps I’m not done yet
Draw my other leg up and the pace is set

Gotta tell you what I feel
Although your tank is running low
Over the split line for real
Pat the hood…you’re good to go
Hear you now
You’re cut from the cords of the wicked

Gotta believe in what’s real
You gotta move on down the road
One step I make an imprint
Two steps it’s a commitment
Three steps I’m not done yet
Draw my other leg up and the pace is set

Imprint ~ Doubledrive