Yesterday you told me bout the blue blue skye

I realized something really sad today. Its kind of been forming in my mind the past few days. And talking with Manny the other night about Brian and today looking at the pictures from Russ’s birthday made me realize it. I don’t have that many friends. My old friends are gone, and my new friends are few. How sad is that? I realize Settle isn’t my friend anymore. It’s not so much like I hate him, cause I don’t. But he’s no longer a part of my life. And as much as I miss him, letting him back in would be near impossible. He won’t try. I really don’t think he’ll call when he comes home or make any type of effort to reconnect with me. Russ was home for Spring Break and his 21st birthday. The old gang all went out. No one called me. No one probably even thought to call me. I’m still not convinced they didn’t just put up with me because of Manny. They love Manny. They will call him and try to get him to go out with them. But they don’t call me. I only talk to them if I call them. Or if I run into them somewhere. But when they have a party (like for Russ’s birthday) they don’t think to call me. Russ didn’t even think to call me. It makes me sad and it makes me pissed. Sad because I don’t have any friends. And pissed because all those times I told Manny his friends only put up with me and he told me I was crazy, I was actually right. Don’t give me that bullshit that they are all ADD and forget crap sometimes. Because it is just crap. They remember to call Douglas and the Dover crew, but they can’t remember me. It pisses me off because I believed in Manny’s lies about them for so long and it really turns out that I’m right. The same thing really applies to Brian. I always wondered why he hung out with me. Honestly, looking back at everything, it was because I always called him. Manny was the only one in the gang who would call me and try to get me to come out. No one else ever did. That makes me really sad. Because I always told Manny I was “a girlfriend.” He denied it. (Let me explain. The gang started with 6 guys, then add Kathleen. These 6 guys would date random girls who would be included in the gang until they broke up. They were “the girlfriends.” They weren’t really in the gang, only there by association.) I always told Manny that’s all the gang thought of me as, but he denied it. He told me they cared about me. But that’s not the point. I’m sure they did care about me, but obviously not enough to ever call me.

It’s just depressing because I’m realizing my circle of friends is freaking TINY! Manny and Megan are of course in the inner cirle. Great. Now I’m making reality show references. My Grover boys, Santeros and Mike are outside that, along with Nathan and Nitta. Just outside all that is my co-worker friends. Its hard to consider them real friends because we never interact outside work (other than the monthly dinners). Probably those monthly dinners represent the closer circle of co-worker friends. I trust those women to an extent and we have a good time. But we “live” about 40 hours a week together and some down time is good. Also, those women are all older than I am. They are adult friends, which are vastly different than my peers. I have ‘friends’ at church as well, but I only see them once a week and they really know nothing, or a very limited amount about me.

I never thought I was popular in high school, until an underfreshman told me I was because I was friends with everyone. That made me feel good. One – that I was popular. I may be shallow, but I admit it! Two – that I had a lot of friends. Three – That I wasn’t aware of it. I wasn’t big-headed and stupid about it. God, least I hope not. Maybe that’s why I have no friends now. But high school is over. Granted, a lot of the people I consider friends were just friends because we saw each other on a daily basis. A lot of them are like the women here at work. We are friends because we see each other everyday. And as great as high school was, Well, parts of it, I’m not sure being friends with everyone was so great.

A friend to all is a friend to none. ~ Aristotle

I posted that quote the other day because the idea was interesting and it struck a chord in me. But I didn’t really get it until today. Because I was a friend to everyone, I had few close friends. And now that the convenience of high school is over, I only have those few close friends left.
I guess this is just how life is going to be and should just get used to it. Oh god, now I’m going to start thinking whats important in life which leads to what’s the point of life which leads to what’s the meaning of life. This is going to be a long day…..

I’m sittin’ here in the boring room
It’s just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I’m wasting my time I’ve got nothing to do
I’m hanging around, I’m waiting for you
But nothing ever happens
An I wonder

I’m driving around in my car
I’m driving too fast
I’m driving too far
I’d like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely
I’m waiting for you
But nothing ever happens
And I wonder

I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see
Is just a yellow lemon tree

I’m turning my head, up and down
I’m turning, turning, turning, turning, turning around
And all that I can see
Is just another lemon tree

Sing
da da da da de da da
da da da da de da da
da de de dum

I’m sitting here, I missed the cloud
I’d like to go out, take in a shout
But there’s a heavy cloud, Inside my head
I feel so tired put myself into bed
Well nothing ever happens
And I wonder

Isolation, is not good for me
Isolation, I don’t want to sit on the lemon tree

I’m steppin around in the desert of joy
Maybe anyhow I’ll get another toy
Then everything will happen
And you wonder

I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see
Is just another lemon tree

I’m turning my head, up and down
I’m turning, turning, turning, turning, turning around
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree
and I wonder wonder

I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me bout the blue blue sky
and all that i can see
is just a yellow lemon tree

Lemon Tree ~ Savage Garden