Who’s to Blame?

Somewhere between the psychobabble and my dad’s guilt trips has to be the truth. How much of my pychotic bitchiness can you blame on chemicals in my head? Isn’t there some point where I have to accept the consequences of my actions? I do not want to be one of those people who blame everything on an illness. At some point, I have to step up. At some point, I need to take responsibility for my decisions and my actions. But at what point so I stop blaming myself? Cause I don’t. If one thing is my fault, well then everything is my fault. Somehow I need to find a balance. But when everything I do is unexplainable and unreasonable, there is no balance. At some point I’ll need to just swallow my pride and ‘fess up. And at some point I’ll need to let go. I’ll need to just let things roll off my back. My fear is I will become so easy-going and so relaxed that everything will roll off my back. And nothing will matter to me. Friends will slip away and lovers will pass by, never realized. So when do you let go and when do you hold on?

Somewhere between crazy and sane, I guess. Too bad I don’t know where that is. I can’t rely on myself for anything. Perhaps that is why music and math appeal to me so much. Two plus two will always be four. Nothing changes that. Even the exceptions to the rules in Calculus are solid. The math that is abstract is stuff I’ll never get to. I’m perfectly happy with my Algebra. Its solid. And in music, a C Major chord will always be C-E-G. No changes. I can pick up music from 200 years ago and I can still play it. I can still say yes, that note is a quarter note A 440, maybe an A 445 when I’m tired but its an A. Ask me what I want out of life every day this week. And you will get different answers and different reasonings. Some will make sense and some will be totally out there. Some will be grounded in reason and others won’t even be grounded in this solar system.

I guess its just me. And how I am.

So….What should I do with my life?