what is lurking

Eleven days until the madness really takes hold. But only like six more days of classes. I can’t believe the semester is already over. Well, almost. Close enough. So many things….

I’m boycotting the news. I want to live in a bubble and pretend nothing happens outside of it. Thats not true, but the news has been really depressing lately. There was the hostage/shooting at the NASA place. Then the crazy shooter man near Albany who killed a trooper. There was a story last night about a woman who drove over her two-month-old baby while backing out of her driveway. I didn’t watch the whole story. I didn’t want to. I don’t want to know what happened. I’m just on sensory overload. Flipping through channels tonight I saw a news anchor say something about the upcoming war in the Middle East. I wanted to throttle her. So I turned the TV off and decided to write and maybe get to bed early. I have too many things with school and finals and juries. I can’t process everything and if I try, I will have a mental breakdown. This weekend is our campus festival. There are bands and beer and general craziness. I’m going to my uncle’s. I want to do laundry and practice oboe and generally be left alone with my thoughts and issues.

Mike called about a week ago. My fears of him moving on or ignoring me were unfounded. He’s just dealing with his own demons and rocks. I was also able to tell him that I was angry with him. Its amazing, but whenever I’m really mad at him the best and quickest way for me to get over it is to just tell him. Somehow just him knowing that it annoyed me helps me to let go of it. Our conversation was really good. He misses me and he knows I miss him. There’s also an understanding between us that hasn’t been there in the past. We are both planning our lives and moving forward in our dreams. He supports me and I support him. We are both aware that someday this will all end, but for right now, its good and comfortable.

I saw Marcie on Monday at the bar. It was good to see her and catch up with her. She and I also talked a bit about the whole VA Tech thing. I’m still pretty upset with Sarah for not being able to be there for me. I mean, its not like we’re not talking or anything, but things just aren’t the same. She really hurt me, though I’m not sure she’s aware of it. I just don’t trust her the same way I used to. Marcie was pretty annoyed with the campus’s reaction, or lack thereof, to the ordeal. It made me feel better to know that someone else out there thought the school response was crap. I talked to her about how Columbine affected me because I was actually in high school when it happened and now I’m in college and VA Tech happens. She totally understood how that really freaked me out. As great as the Facebook community has been, being able to sit with someone and talk one on one is the best. Connors and Dana also showed up at the bar a bit later, just as Marcie was leaving. I decided to stay and talk with them for a while. I asked them if they hated me. Dana’s answer was great. “I don’t hate you. I hate that who hates you. Besides I’m Catholic. We’re supposed to hate Satan.” That was the end of it. I sat at the bar with them and we talked to Dustin about other things. I don’t think we’ll be the greatest of friends, but its nice to know that Dana, Connors and Biff don’t hate me. They are great people and I never wanted to hurt them. So that was really good.

School has been going pretty okay too. Calculus is getting a little scary and I have a huge history paper due finals week. But my concerto is coming along and my jury pieces are fine. Wednesday night was the orchestra concert and everything went pretty good. My professor even said that my playing was really great. So I’ve been riding a bit of a natural high.

Well….That’s not quite true. Its a synthetic high. I know things are going fine and that I should be fine, so I’m attempting the “Fake it till you make it” philosophy. If I pretend to be okay long enough, if I pretend to be happy can’t I trick myself into believing it and making it real? Its not quite working, but I don’t know why. I’m not screwing up. I’m not making bad choices. Yet the hole in my chest is growing and sucking my breath out of my lungs. There’s a monster just at the edge, waiting for…something. He’ll lunge and plunge into darkness all that I seek to bring to light.

There’s a beast at the door
And he’s wild and free
But we don’t let him in
Cause we don’t want to see
What is lurking
Right behind the facade

Man is not one but two
He is evil and good
And he walks the fine line
That he’d cross if he could
And he’s just waiting….

Facade (Reprise) ~ Jekyll and Hyde