What I Thought I Knew
I always thought believed that God would send me the perfect guy, my perfect match. It was something I did not have to worry about and it was not something I had look for. I just had to trust that God would bring him to me. I also trusted in God, that he would not let me really fall in love unless it was him. Of course, I am a living breathing girl and I have had crushes and that guy that I liked. But I believed that was ok, as long as I didnt fall in love. And I didnt know what it would be like, but I had a feeling I would know. And thats what my mom told me. You just know when its him. And likewise, you just know when its not him as well. And I believed that if I didnt know, that would be ok. It would mean that it just wasnt time. It wasnt meant to be right then. I could be happy dating or just being friends. No rush and besides, I trust in God. I mean with Him on my side, how can I worry about it? I have the most powerful man in the history of the universe on my side. So I dont worry about it. So what now?
I fell in love. And that changes everything. Is he the one? Or is there another one out there for me? Then how could I have fallen in love with him? I gave my love life to God. He wouldnt let me fall in love unless I was suppose to. Did he give me him just for the time being? Did he let him into my life because I needed him then? I dont know and I wish I did. And I dont know what to believe anymore. I dont know how to live and deal with my love life.
I believe that a persons love life is always there. Sometimes you share it with a guy, sometimes its just waiting to see what will happen. But its always there. It never dies. And right now I just dont know what to do. I want him to take me in his arms again and hold me close. I feel so alone and I really do wonder if anyone cares about me. I wasnt kidding when I told Mary I didnt know if I was loved. And yes, I know that Feather and my family loves me. But she is back home and I am here. And my family has to love me. Its part of the family deal. And I know I am loved because I am a child of God and the girls on my floor love me just for that.
Colleen is right though. Woman was not made to be alone. We were made to be with men, to help them and complete them. And Im saying this in a completely non-male bashing way. Man and woman were made to be together. And I feel lonely without him. I just want to fall asleep in his arms. I want to see his face again. I want to feel his arms and taste his kisses. I want to feel his strength when he picks me up like a doll. I want to be cherished and adored, but in a non-obsessive way. I want everything that God has promised to me. And I guess it boils down to the fact that I am very short on patience. I dont like to wait. Ha! Like Indigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, I hate waiting!
Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again