What a Jagged Little Pill
I’ve learned over the years, slowly, but finally, that my best playing is when I put my emotions into the music. I can play the technical stuff and it sounds fine. But its a machine. When I add my heart and soul and whatever feelings I need, the music has life. It is given a soul. Unfortunatly it also drains me to the brink of a mental breakdown. I played a solo benefit concert in high school. Only me playing oboe the first half and English horn and solo handbells the second half. When I was done, I could barely stand let alone understand anything being said to me. But its what pushes my performances over the top. I haven’t played like that in a long time. It’s a natural high of adrenaline. And it has drained me.
I’m not sure I like being on the drugs. Before the drugs, I had emotions and feelings and desires. Burning desires. I could play my oboe and piano and put everything into it; my grief, my anger, my pain, my happiness. Now when I play – I’m complacent. I’m just playing. And I’m happy to spend the rest of my life working in this firm and never moving out. But when the medicine goes away, when I’m not taking it, I realize I want something more.
I’m afraid the choice might come down to either having my sanity or my music. And I don’t know what I’ll choose. I know musicians are all insane so I’ll fit in. But I’m afraid I won’t live long enough to see that.
I’m just really feeling like the failure I am. I can’t seem to help any of my friends.
And randomly….
I was cleaning my room last night. Like a seriously reorganization of everything in my room. Took just about everything off my desk, which was a huge pile of books and papers. I opened one of my desk drawers and inside was a black notebook. It was the script that Ali had given me after McN was arrested. She told me there were things in there she didn’t want the cops to get a hold of. I took it to protect her more than to protect him. But I don’t know what to do with it now. I don’t really want to keep it. There is some random things that I don’t understand and some things I wish I didn’t understand. Condoms, ashes, letters to McN, and other things. Its all mixed in the script for Fiddler. I don’t know. And how randomly things are connected, but Ali immed the other day. She was just seeing how I was. It made me feel sad that I don’t talk to any of my friends from high school or the most part. And I need them around right now. I don’t quite know why, but I do.
Kaba gets that. Manny and Brian and Russ have been there for me through way more than the new group has been. Its not anyone’s fault, its just how things worked out. I realized something else too. In my gang, I wasn’t really one of the leaders. Those positions were Brian, Kathleen and Manny. Sometimes Russ or Joey. I was just a tag-a-long. I didn’t really mind what or where, I just wanted to be with them all. And I could sit contentedly in the corner listening and watching them all. Don’t get me wrong, they included me in their talks and I spoke up sometimes. But I get in these moods where I just want to BE with people, not talk or complain about doing something or trying to find something to do. The gang could just sit around watching VH1 or something or put a movie on and just talk. Or even have music playing and everyone is just chilling. Talking about bands or shows or movies or life or whatever! I’m not sure why, but the new group is….I don’t know…..immature? They have to be constantly amused or something. And if we are just sitting at home, someone is complaining that they want to do something. BUT they don’t want to spend the money doing anything. Unfortunately things around here cost money. Its the way things are. Go to the movies, go to Build-A-Bear, play pool, go bowling. SOMETHING. And we don’t have to go all the time, but sometimes. The only place we really hang out is at Kaba’s house. Sometimes my house too, but not often. I don’t know. I’m just missing my old gang and how I was with them. With the group, it seems like Kaba and I are the leaders. When Kaba was in the hospital, we didn’t do really anything. And Kaba is even more so than me.
ARG….I’m in such a weird mood. I want to be left alone mentally, but not physically. I want people around, but not the way the group is. I want Russ, Brian, Manny and my gang. Oh well. I can’t always have what I want I guess.
I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down…what a jagged little pill
It feels so good..swimming in your stomach
Wait until the dust settles
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime
Feel free
Throw it down…the caution blocks you from the wind
Hold it up…to the rays
You wait and see when the smoke clears
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
Wear it out…like a three-year-old would do
Melt it down…you’re gonna have to eventually anyway
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn
You Learn ~ Alanis Morissette