West Wing Musings

“Schubert was crazy. I wonder if you have to be crazy to make something so beautiful.” ~ Josh Lyman West Wing

I know this comment was made in the scene for character purpose and has no real bearing on the way I took it. But it perfectly explains my biggest fear. I’m not even sure why this is a fear, but I know the idea, the connection scares me. I’m afraid that I’m such a good musician because I’m bipolar. Or vice versa – I’m bipolar because I’m such a good musician. Yeah I know neither one really makes sense. Any sense, but this idea that my music and my bipolarism could be somehow interdependent terrifies the living hell out of me.

I think that’s why I’m constantly running scared from music. I stick my toe in, shreik “OUCH!” and pull back. Somehow I think if I stop playing, my bipolarsim will go away. Or if my bipolarism goes away, I won’t be able to play. Which is crap because neither of them are ever going to go away forever. I’m a musician and I’m bipolar. But still…

When I’m at what they call a “baseline personality” I’m normal, so to speak. But at that point, my playing is average. It’s good, but nothing special. When I’m outisde that baseline, my playing is extraordinary and phenomenal. So when I’m on my medication, the baseline is about where I am. And I can’t play. So I go off them, become manis or depressed and I’m amazing. The danger is also I become suicidal. People think I’m being selfish and stupid for not sharing my gift, my musical talent.

I’m just trying to stay alive.

Shazar

April 4, 2005

From the voice of experience, I can understand the necessity for being baseline; it makes things so much more simplier. It’s like dulling the impact our life could have, in fear of someone else being hurt by our actions. Sometimes there is no other choice. I know for a long time, and even now, I was always ambivalent about things because I was terrified of feeling. I was always, “Eh, OK.”

From the voice of innocence, I KNOW that there are are harmonies in our bodies and souls that manifest in our talents. Such abilities tether between blessing and curse. And pushed to our limits, we risk our very lives for that ultimate skill that everyone loves. It’s dangerous, but I think it is important to embrace. The risks you take put all other life in perspective.

All humans have disabilities, for me it’s genetic mayhem of heart problems, alcoholism, obesity, and high blood pressure. My gifts are my Touch and Empathy, I’m blessed with the ability to understand people that way; but it brings the crushing sadness and melancholy of thinking – Who could understand me the same way? I feel bound to serve others, and to take consolation/ pride/ joy in that.

See your music and bipolarity[?] as eminating from the same place, and cherish them both; they are like threads woven together, two spirals intertwined. Even if they are interdependent, you are the one capable of harnessing that power. YOU are the counterbalance for yourself, never forget that. Be safe and cautious, but NEVER sacrifice or take your talent at “baseline.” Please, for all of us. 🙂

thanks so much for the note. it really helped me feel better. i think you are a good musician b/c you are smart and you feel your emotions not b/c you are bipolar. take care.. ~kate