we’ll set our course and make it through

So its Sunday. I’m a busy loser who really should be writing here everyday. Not for anyone else but for me. Just to keep track of my feelings, thoughts, emotions and stages of thinking. Anyways….

FRIDAY – I was up and cooking at 8:30 for the study group. It was a good session. I like those women a lot. Between eating chocolate donuts and dousing our systems with coffee, we talked about our families, our upbringing – oh yes, and economics. There is something very special about women gathering and talking amongst themselves. We are such social animals, whether we are being bitchy or being friendly. We finished around 1 in the afternoon and my Mom took me to lunch at Dicken’s. We had fish and chips and it was absolutly perfect and yummy. It was good to talk to her after such a long week. After lunch we drove out to D&M and bought me some reeds for my audition. Then I went home and practiced. Two of the three reeds are bad, just awful. Those reeds are why people say oboes sound like a dying duck. It was horrid. But the third reed was managable and after some work actually sounds pretty good. The two ducky reeds are not complete busts because I can do technical work and scales on them, and in doing so, save the good reed for intense praticing. My parents were suppose to leave for the cabin Friday night, but it was Art’s 60-something birthday party. I had asked Nitta and Annemarie to come over (Yager too, but he was going away) and since my parents weren’t leaving I was going to tell them nevermind. But my parents are really cool. They don’t care if me and my friends drink if no one is driving. My mom actually bought us more Triple Sec since we just about killed off the last bottle. Annemarie was suppose to work until 10 and then she’d be over. I picked up Nitta around 5:30 and we made dinner with my mom’s help. Then she and my dad went off to Art’s party. Nitta and I were trying to wait until Annemarie got there to start drinking the hard stuff. That sort of worked. We ended up playing a Friends/Sex in the City drinking game. I have trivia cards for both of those shows. The rules were I asked her a question. If she got it wrong or didn’t know the answer, she had to drink. If she got it right, I had to drink. Then she asked me a question and the rules switched. One of us was always drinking. It was very amusing. Then we realised all of the cards also had charades on them. We started doing the Sex in the City cards and pretty much cracked ourselves up. Then we realised it was almost 11 and there was no Annemarie. My parents weren’t home either, which was somewhat surprising. Annemarie finally called and told us that the computer at work had frozen and she was waiting on some help. I don’t know what time she finally got out of there and came over, but it was after my parents came home. Nitta wanted to play “I Never” since it was just us girls. So we did – with shots of Kamikaze until we ran out of lime juice. Nitta then made us some mixed drinks and we kept playing. It was a calm party compared to the last one and even compared to Nitta and I earlier, but it was still nice nonetheless. We went to bed around 1 in the morning. I think my cold was at its worse at that point. I came online momentarily and had some short drunken conversations on AIM with a few people (don’t ask me who). Manny immed me just as I was getting ready to sign off, so I called him and got offline.

Now while I don’t remember everything that was said excatly word for word, I don’t remember most of the conversation. He made fun of me cause I was drunk and tired off my cold. When he found out we had played I Never he tried to find out what was said. I probably could have told him everything and he would have been fine, but I really didn’t want to get into it with him. Us girls had found out I’m the only one who has slept with a black man. I did tell that to Manny and he got upset about it. After that I decided not to tell him any of the others because I didn’t want to have to defend myself to him. He told me more about his new crush (who has my name and thats just weird.) He hasn’t told her about me yet, which I find slightly disturbing. He said it was because it just hasn’t come up in conversation. I understand you don’t just all of a sudden blurt out “I have an ex-girlfriend who I’m still really good friends with. Oh and she has your name.” But I know him pretty well. If I haven’t come up in conversation, even passing conversation, its because he doesn’t want to mention me at all. I’ve found ways to mention Manny to Paul, so its obvious that I’m still friends with Manny and thats not going to change anytime soon. But without saying it straight out and making it uncomfortable for either of us. Nitta and I had been watching Friends earlier and the episode really struck me. It was the one where Ross was trying to fix his marriage to Emily. He had said Rachel’s name instead of Emily’s at the alter on their wedding day. Emily’s only condition about getting back together with Ross was that he never see Rachel again. Now while Manny won’t have to worry about the name thing if he eventually marries this girl, I don’t want that to happen to us. I don’t want to be the reason this relationship doesn’t work out for him. If it doesn’t work out because they just don’t work out, I’ll feel bad for him – but thats just life sometimes. But I don’t want my relationship with Manny to become an issue. I would never choose a boyfriend over my friends, and I hope none of them would either. But Manny and I are in a different position. We were in love and I still care about him very much. I know he feels the same about me. We have been through a lot together and we are going to care about each other. We are probably not going to get married, but thats not the only relationship a guy and a girl can have. Anyways, I’m just concerned that this girl will find out about me in the wrong way and wonder why Manny “hid” me from her. Anywyas – back to the conversation. Manny kept asking me why I called him so suddenly and easily. He says usually he has to beg and plead to get me on the phone and this time I just called him out of the blue. Its been because I wanted to talk to someone I trusted. Someone I completly trusted. One of those people I trust to stand guard at my door while I break down. It was an interesting conversation, one of those that makes me wonder if he is still in love with me or not. But I’m not going to obsess over that. I was drunk and it was a strange conversation.

SATURDAY was absolutly nuts. I woke up around 8 and found that Annemarie had gone home in the middle of the night. She woke Nitta (why not me?) and said she felt so tired and sick, not really drunk, and she just wanted her own bed. I took a shower and then Nitta and I went to pick up Alex and bring him to his driving class. Then Nitta treated me to breakfast at IHOP. Thats one of the things I adore about Nitta. She knows that I have to pick her up and drop her off when we hang out. She knows that I buy some of the food and alcohol for our parties (my mom helps too). She treats me to breakfast. Its not like we have a running tab of who owes who what, but its just that caring considerate side that Kaba never had. After breakfast we went to Barnes & Noble. She had some spending money and I had gift certificates fr